


How I Met Your Other Mother

by The_Carnivorous_Muffin



Series: Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds [15]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Family, Fatherhood, Female Harry Potter, Friendship/Love, Humor, Master of Death Harry Potter, Motherhood, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Romantic Comedy, Siblings, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 17:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15778698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Carnivorous_Muffin/pseuds/The_Carnivorous_Muffin
Summary: Kushina tells the tale of how she, single handedly, managed to seduce both Lee and Minato at the same time to her impressionable (if horrified) children.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory Note of NOT CANON

It took Naruto until he got to the academy to realize that something about his family is a little off. Actually, it took that stupid asshole Sasuke’s weird comment about Naruto’s moms, or maybe it took Naruto punching Sasuke in the face, getting punched in the face in return, and Hari just giving him this eyebrows raised look like she wasn’t quite sure what to say and that there was something obvious and important that Naruto just wasn’t getting.

 

Or maybe, if he wanted to be really specific, it was when Hari sat down next to him during their lunch break, handing him the homemade bento he’d forgotten to bring with him, and said, in that casual voice that was way less casual than it pretended to be, “Naruto, you know that normal people don’t have two moms, right?” 

 

Naruto knew that he could be a little thick sometimes, that Hari was probably a billion times smarter than he was, but he liked to think that this didn’t mean he was stupid. He just sometimes missed the clues, wasn’t looking for them, and why should he?

 

Everything was fine, was great, was amazing! And if he didn’t live like Shikamaru or that bastard Sasuke then it was because his dad was hokage or that one of his moms was the clan head of two different clans in another dimension.

 

Hari hesitated, those pale eyebrows still raised, and said a little more insistently this time, “No, Naruto, I mean it’s really weird to have two different moms.”

 

Hari didn’t explain it further, seemed to give up, but none the less it kept bothering Naruto. There was a part of him that saw her point, saw that having two moms or something could easily be one of those plots in the orange ero-jiji books that Kakashi-nii always read but Naruto was never ever allowed to touch until he was eighteen and out of the house, but at the same time you could find just about anything in the orange books if you looked hard enough.

 

Plus, this was the way it had always been, so it couldn’t be that weird. And besides, the stupid bastard Sasuke was stupid and had no idea what he was talking about. Naruto’s family was amazing, believe it!

 

None the less, that night, he confronted his dad about it, “Hey, dad, do normal people have two moms?”

 

Dad usually got out of work super late, usually blaming paperwork or clan politics or the village council, and was usually pretty tired but willing to answer questions here and there. However, when Naruto asked the question Namikaze Minato froze in the doorway, glanced down at Naruto with this strange blank expression, and then disappeared before Naruto could even blink.

 

He didn’t come back.

 

So, with his dad apparently vanishing into the night, Naruto decided to ask the first mom he found, which happened to be Lee-kaa. Lee was lounging on the couch in front of the television, head thrown back but watching the Princess Fuin movie with half-lidded and rather critical eyes, Lee-kaa took her television very seriously.

 

“Hey, mom?” Naruto asked, sitting on the couch next to her and glancing at the battle between Princess Fuin and the powers of darkness.

 

“I miss the _Terminator_.” Lee said with a sigh, looking more like the worn out cynical advisor Princess Fuin traveled with than Princess Fuin herself, “This dimension’s television just lacks time traveling robots, unmitigated violence, and Schwarzenegger Arnold.”

 

Most of the movies from England, Naruto had learned pretty early on, were way more awesome than anything on television here. Course, Hari said that Lee cherry picked films over multiple decades, and that this far off land called America took their film industry way more seriously than anyone in the Elemental Nations did, but Naruto wasn’t buying it.

 

“Mom, is having two moms weird?”

 

Lee glanced at him, eyebrows raised slightly (sort of what Hari did now and then if he thought about it), “Many things are weird, Naruto, I find it best not to think on it too closely.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Lee sighed, turned her full attention to him, and proceeded to explain, “You see Naruto, reality doesn’t actually exist, it is instead a passable illusion aimed to fool the masses into thinking their lives hold real weight. However, it doesn’t try very hard, and if you look close enough you’ll find gaping holes everywhere. So things like Kushina having a giant fox baby implant from Mito, Madara’s evil alien plant zombie cult aimed to destroy the world via giant chakra monsters and aiming a sharingan at the moon, or you and Hari having two mothers are just clear signs of the universe’s impending doom that you’re going to have to learn to ignore because nobody else will ever take them seriously.”

 

Lee paused for a moment, then amended, “Well, except for that Madara plant cult zombie one, we actually did take that pretty damn seriously. I think the alien invasion sort of helped with that one though. Obito still has traumatized plant filled nightmares about that whole fiasco.”

 

Naruto blinked, not quite sure how to take that, or most of what Lee-kaa actually said when he thought about it.

 

So, with Lee out of the way there was only one parental figure left, and Naruto left the television to go find Kushina-kaa in the kitchen eating at least ten bowls of takeout ramen with Hari. After handing him a few bowls of ramen, asking him how school went and listening to the epic tale of his punching Sasuke the bastard in the face, Naruto finally asked the question.

 

“Mom, is having two moms weird?”

 

Hari spit out her ramen and gave Naruto that look again, like she couldn’t believe he’d just come out and said it, and was staring at him like a gaping fish.

 

Kushina gave him a weird sort of look, a dissecting one, and said, “Sure, but that’s not a bad thing. Being weird is awesome, believe it!”

 

Naruto did believe it, he always had, and he’d punch anyone in the face who said otherwise (as Sasuke had found out). That said, he couldn’t help but feel like he couldn’t just leave the explanation there. Like that was good enough.

 

“I mean, sure, but… No one else has two moms.” Hari said, somewhat hesitantly, a flush starting to rise on her pale whisker-less cheeks.

 

“That’s because no other man in Konoha is as delicious as your father is.”

 

Naruto hadn’t really wanted to hear that, judging by her expression Lee hadn’t wanted to hear it either, Naruto would have to go and pretend that never happened. Ever.

 

However, it appeared that Uzumaki Kushina wasn’t done, eyeing her two blonde children with a speculative expression, “Did I ever tell you how I singlehandedly made Namikaze Minato the luckiest man in Konoha?”

 

“You mean… how you met our other mother?” Hari translated, her face even redder than before, with a slightly panicked expression. Naruto wasn’t fairing that much better, in fact, he was starting to wish he’d never brought the subject up in the first place.

 

Thanks to ero-jiji’s orange books, and Kakashi-nii’s obsession with them, Naruto had a bit of a better grasp of adult’s gross habits than he would have liked.

 

“Sure, if you want to tell the tame version.” Kushina said with a snort before leaning back and beginning, “It all started a while back, before you guys were even born…”

 

* * *

 

“Mikoto, I don’t know what to do anymore!”

 

Girl’s night, twenty-year-old Uzumaki Kushina, Konoha’s jinchuuriki and resident kunoichi badass, twenty-year-old Uchiha Mikoto pregnant with her first born child by local grouch Uchiha Fugaku, and a shit ton of ice cream and sad romantic movies playing in the background.

 

In other words, not just a girl’s night, an emergency girl’s night the likes of which hadn’t been seen since Mikoto had married that asshole Fugaku because ‘clan politics’.

 

“You sure you aren’t just… overreacting?” Mikoto said, her face scrunched up and eyebrows raised, and clearly not getting the problem.

 

“It’s Lee, Mikoto, Eru Lee. There’s no such thing as overreacting.”

 

Of course, it wasn’t just Lee, if it was just Lee then it might not even be a problem. Lee could be pretty damn oblivious when she wanted to and she’d never really made any overt moves, didn’t seem to know how to, she just would putter along like she always did.

 

The problem was that it was Minato and Lee, just the same they’d always been, and even though Kushina was the one dating Minato (having sex with Minato on a regular basis) she had the alarming suspicion that it just wouldn’t work.

 

Because even though Minato hadn’t acted on anything, even though he pretended to have no idea what she was talking about, whenever Lee returned from any mission he was always right there.

 

And eventually Minato would stop being an idiot and realize, that however much he liked Kushina, even loved Kushina, he and Lee had been married since they were five!

 

Of course, she had been ignoring this for years, almost five years really when Minato had started trying (and failing) to ask her on dates. She wasn’t really sure what had triggered it this time, that alarm bell in the back of her head, it wasn’t anything overt, it wasn’t like he’d screamed her name during sex or anything but… Maybe it was her absence, the way Minato would stare at the gates each morning and each afternoon, practically not aware of it himself, and when he looked out there…

 

It was like she didn’t know him at all.

 

“I don’t think Minato would…”

 

“No, he wouldn’t, he probably won’t even say that he wants to, but he does.” Kushina said, digging into her ice cream with enthusiasm that she didn’t really feel. Oh ice cream, food of comfort and break ups, always there when it was so desperately needed.

 

“So, what are you going to do then?” There was Mikoto, good old proactive Mikoto, no use complaining about it if you don’t plan to do something about it Mikoto. Mikoto was good like that, probably why she could handle marrying Fugaku, because to Mikoto if she wasn’t willing to shut up and deal then she’d better face the consequences.

 

Kushina wasn’t like that, Kushina needed to talk, to vent, to scream, even if there wasn’t really any solution.

 

And she wasn’t sure there was one. The easy one, she guessed, was that she and Minato could break up. Of course, it would be her breaking up with him because no way in hell was he going to do it, gathering up her nerve and saying, “Sorry, old buddy old pal, but there just isn’t room in this town for the three of us.”

 

But she didn’t want to, and he didn’t want to either. She liked Minato, she would never have believed it when she was younger, but she really really liked Minato. Was dangerously close to loving him if she didn’t already. He was, well, he was everything you pictured in a prince or a hero or someone out of a fairy tale; only dangerously real. Kushina couldn’t remember the last time, before dating him, that she’d been as happy as she had been recently.  

 

So then, she could wait for it to happen, just wait it out and wait and… Because it would happen, eventually, maybe even after she and Minato were married and had kids or something. It had that inevitable feeling to it, like he and Lee were two planets orbiting each other and drawing closer and closer until the big boom and they collided.

 

She didn’t really want to do that either, who wanted to spend their life just waiting for something to happen?

 

“You know, the thing is, I like Lee a lot too. I mean that I get it.” Kushina said through a mouthful of ice cream, and she did, because if she was a man or she leaned the other way just a little bit more she’d probably be trying to get in Lee’s pants too. Actually, when she was younger, Lee was way more up her ally than Minato had been. Ten-year-old Kushina had respected Lee while Minato had been that flakey pretty bastard competing for her future title.

 

The point was that she couldn’t dislike Lee, even knowing that she was this lure tempting Minato like a helpless moth away from Kushina.

 

“You get it?”

 

“Sure, I mean, if I was Minato I’d be thinking about tapping Lee too.”

 

If Mikoto was disturbed by how easily Kushina admitted this she didn’t say anything.

 

“You think Minato’s…” Mikoto said rather dubiously, her face slightly flushed, probably thinking ‘oh my’ in the back of her head along with some naughty images of Kushina’s pretty boyfriend and Eru Lee.

 

“Well, he might not know he’s thinking about it but he totally is.”

 

Kushina sighed, almost nearing the end of her ice cream, “I just wish… I wish there was a way to make it work with three of us. So that no one gets left behind or alone or…”

 

“What, like a threesome?” Mikoto asked, not seriously, a quirk to her lips showing all the world that Mikoto didn’t think a threesome was going to happen.

 

But it hit Kushina like a lightning bolt, and she sat there, stunned silent, and the thought taking root in her brain and refusing to leave. Kushina could tap Lee, sure she’d never thought about having sex with a woman before but Lee wasn’t unattractive, Lee actually could be considered quite beautiful if she wasn’t also so terrifying and weird.

 

And Minato certainly wouldn’t be opposed to it.

 

“Mikoto, you are brilliant.” Kushina whispered almost reverently.

 

“I am?” Mikoto asked, and then her face paled and realization struck her to, “No, Kushina, you’re not seriously thinking…”  


“I can’t believe I never thought of it before!” She really couldn’t, that was a classic Icha Icha situation right there, and considering Jiraiya was Minato’s sensei she’d had a decent amount of exposure to Konoha’s resident super pervert.

 

“You want to have… Have a three some with Minato and Lee?” Mikoto asked, eyes bulging, practically falling off the couch (which could not be good for her in her pregnant state).

 

“Of course, don’t you see, it’s the only solution!” Kushina said, jumping to her feet, suddenly all her optimism and stubborn drive rushing back to her.

 

Minato gets Lee, Minato gets Kushina, Kushina gets Minato, Kushina gets Lee as a bonus, and Lee gets… well, an understanding of sex.

 

“That can’t be the only solution!”

 

It was too late for second thoughts though, Kushina was already out the door, grin slapped on her face, scheming as she walked down the street and more than ready to start her personal matchmaking mission.

 

* * *

 

Minato, Kushina had learned, could be something of a stick in the mud sometimes. Well, not really a stick in the mud, but there were certain things he just got really stubborn about for no good reason. He was really more of a romantic than she was, the first time they went on a date it was to some fancy restaurant, he would bring her flowers, and having sex had been labeled ‘a huge deal’.

 

Kushina was always a little less preoccupied with that sort of thing than him. She knew what she felt, he knew what he felt, why should they have to put themselves on ceremony all the time?

 

So when she told Minato that it would be a great idea for them, as a couple, to start also dating Lee, he didn’t take it well.

 

By not taking it well he spewed ramen all over the counter and looked apologetically, and with extreme mortification, up at local ramen god Ichiraku, “I’m… I’m so sorry but… What?”

 

“I think we, you and I, as a team, should date Eru Lee.” Kushina repeated, in what she felt was a completely reasonable tone, for a very reasonable offer.

 

“Are you insane?!” Minato asked, his face ridiculously red in that adorably embarrassed way that she was very familiar with. Poor Minato, such a prude, one wondered how his precious virginal state of mind had managed to survive with those adolescent years spent with Jiraiya and his ladies of the night on the road.

 

“Come on, Minato, I know you’ve had naughty thoughts about Lee.” Kushina pointed out, leering, watching as Minato’s face grew impossibly more red.

 

“I…Thoughts I have or haven’t had are completely irrelevant!” But he wasn’t denying it, which two days ago would have had Kushina in a pit of despair, but now meant that Operation Legendary Threesome was well underway with maximum signs of success.

 

“Well, I’ve sat here thinking about it, and I’ve decided that it would be best for everyone if you stopped being a flushing pansy virgin and got with the program. The program being you, me, and Lee all dating at the same time.” Kushina said, ignoring the way that Minato seemed to be melting into his stool with mortification, looking like he had no idea how to respond to the situation.

 

“But… I… Kushina… I don’t want to date Lee!” He flushed, stopped, added, “Lee and I are just friends, plus you and I are dating and…. Threesomes don’t work…”

 

She cut him off before he could continue that strangled sentence, “You and Lee are only friends because Lee doesn’t know what sex is. Plus, I’m fully on board, so I don’t see what the problem is.”

 

“The problem is that I don’t want to!”

 

He did, he really did, but it looked like he was going to stay flailing in stubborn denial. Well, she couldn’t say she thought this was going to be easy. After all, being difficult was part of Minato’s undeniable pretty boy charm.

 

“Well I do, and I think that I have the best reason of anyone here to be not on board. I, at least, am not nearly as into the female anatomy as you are. But hey, here I am, willing to try out new exciting things. What’s your excuse, flakey bastard?”

 

Minato had no excuse, just opening and closing his mouth, and finally shouting, “I don’t need an excuse, Kushina!”

 

“I think you’re just afraid.”

 

“Afraid?!”

 

“Afraid you’ll like it too much and that you’ll turn into Jiraiya’s harem protagonist muse.” Kushina said, with what she felt was a pretty lecherous grin that would get on Minato’s nerves like nothing else.

 

“I am not afraid of that because that is never, ever, going to happen!”

 

Never, ever, huh? Them’s fighting words, Namikaze Minato, Kushina couldn’t help but think. But now wasn’t the time for goading, even if it was hilarious, now was the time to let it go and lie back waiting for the kill.

 

So Kushina just sighed, “Fine, Minato, no threesomes for you. Jiraiya would be ashamed if he knew you were turning down a harem.”

 

Minato just stared back with his ‘Namikaze not amused’ pout; clearly having no arguments against this winning concluding point.

 

“Right, I have to go meet Kakashi-kun before he burns something down…” Minato stood, put down a few bills for lunch, then walked off muttering something about how he was proud that Jiraiya would be ashamed of him.

 

Kushina just watched him stiffly walk off with a slight smile, he was probably thinking naughty thoughts about Lee right then, desperately repressing them in a misguided attempt to stay loyal to Kushina.

 

He really was too cute.

 

She spared Ichiraku a glance, who was looking at her with raised eyebrows, she grinned back at him, “Well, looks like I have to go talk to Lee.”

 

“You aren’t going to try to convince him again?”

 

Kushina shook her head as she dug out the coins, “Nope, I’ve got a night filled with alcohol and terrible decisions to plan.”

 

“Oh, well, good luck?”

 

Kushina slammed the coins down, grinned, and proclaimed, “Uzumaki Kushina doesn’t need luck, believe it!”

 

* * *

 

Kushina found a rather haggard looking Lee walking out of the hokage tower looking like she was in desperate need of a shower and a nap. In other words, not functioning to her maximum capacity, which was good because Kushina needed both Minato and Lee as low functioning as they could possibly get for this to work.

 

“Hey, Lee, How’d the mission go?” Kushina asked, Lee blinked, gave her a somewhat blank look.

 

“Um, well, there are now lots of dead cloud ninja in Kusa.” Lee said, looking like she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about this, but was leaning towards somewhat alarmed.

 

The war had been hard on all of them, but Lee in particular, who had basically become a killing machine, had a rough time of it. Five years, it was starting to get to all of them, and it showed no sign of stopping anytime soon either.

 

“Well, I’m sure you did fine. Say, where are you headed?” Kushina fell into step with Lee, earning a curious sideways glance, but then nothing more than that as Lee decided that it just wasn’t worth dealing with.

 

“Shishou’s, he wanted to see me when I got back.”

 

“Not Minato’s?” Kushina questioned, because usually Lee did make an appearance pretty soon after she returned from any mission. And Minato somehow always knew when she had arrived, his head would lift, he’d stare ahead, and he’d be walking out the door to meet her before she even made it down the street.

 

(And there Kushina would stand, in his doorway, looking down at them and not quite feeling like an idiot but feeling…)

 

Lee shrugged stiffly, spared Kushina another glance, this one slightly more narrowed than the last, “Well, I assumed he’d be with you, and… I doubt he’d appreciate me interrupting.”

 

Unspoken was that awkwardness that had been in the air ever since Kushina and Minato had really gotten serious about dating each other, the unspoken question of where Lee belonged in Minato’s life now that Kushina was there to take her place.

 

She’d always wondered exactly how much Lee had noticed. Lee could be an oblivious idiot sometimes, but there were other times that Lee seemed to grasp more of a situation than anyone else could ever imagine. And sometimes, when Lee talked about how she felt about Minato, beyond hormones and attraction, sometimes Kushina wondered how deep the chasm of Lee’s feelings would go.

 

And how many worlds Lee would willingly burn for Minato’s wellbeing and happiness.

 

“No way, Minato’s totally cool with you coming around even if we are on a little date or having sexy times.” Kushina said casually, earning a doubtful look from Lee, which was probably warranted for the moment, Minato only enjoyed his sexy times privately, but would change rather quickly if Kushina had anything to say about it.

 

“Well, I’ll still see shishou first, then probably check in with Jiraiya-sensei if he isn’t out of the village…” Lee said, trailing off as she went through her mental to-do list.

 

Kushina slapped an arm around Lee’s shoulders, drawing her closer and grinning, “That’s the spirit, now, while we’re walking to Hatake’s you mind if I talk?”

 

“…Not particularly.” Lee said after a moment of suspicious hesitation which Kushina conveniently ignored.

 

“Lee, how do you feel about dating Minato?”

 

Lee’s expression went blank for a moment, her eyes unfocused, and if Kushina could read minds she bet Lee’s would be flailing right about now trying to figure out what was going on. Kushina took this time to look, really look, at Lee. Take in her pale skin, green eyes, red hair, delicate features… Lee really was pretty, an exotic strange beauty that caused you to stare and linger, when you thought about it, most of the time you didn’t because she was causing some sort of madness but Lee might even be beautiful.

 

Kushina could tap that, she could make it work, had to make it work.

 

“I’m not sure I have any feelings about dating Minato.” Lee said, her face now scrunched in sheer confusion, which was almost as adorable as Minato’s flailing embarrassment.

 

They really did belong together, Minato and Lee, and one without the other always seemed more than a little unbalanced; slightly out of tune.

 

“But you’re not opposed to it, right?” Kushina asked, betting that deep down Lee was anything but opposed to dating Minato.

 

“No, I’m… I’m not opposed to it.”

 

“Right, now, hypothetically if you were dating Minato and me at the same time, would you be opposed to it?” Kushina continued, watching as Lee appeared to get more alarmed as she had even less of an idea where this conversation was heading.

 

“Well, hypothetically, I imagine there are much larger things to worry about than me, you, and Minato all simultaneously dating… So I guess I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” Lee finally said with hesitance, looking like she really wanted to ask why Kushina was asking but wasn’t sure she’d like the answer.

 

“Good, that’s great!” Kushina exclaimed, and said, “I think you should come over to my place with Minato for dinner tonight. That way you can get all your sensei gossip out of the way with Hatake and Jiraiya before you come over.”

 

Lee hesitated for a moment, then nodded, “Well, I suppose that’s fine. I didn’t really have any plans tonight anyways.”

 

“Awesome! Also, Lee, can you bring a shit ton of sake with you when you come? I’m a bit low on alcohol funds myself after having to buy sealing parchment and ink.”

 

Lee nodded slowly that yes, she could bring a colossal amount of alcohol with her when she came, and Kushina grinned in triumph. Because there was no possible way Operation Drunken Seduction could possibly fail.

 

“You’re the best Lee, see you later tonight, with lots of alcohol!” Kushina slapped Lee on the back again and then raced off in the other direction, back into the village where she could start preparing the romantic scene necessary to bring two people as hopelessly oblivious as Minato and Lee crashing together, with Kushina, Kushina had to be involved too.

 

* * *

 

Operation Drunken Seduction was failing miserably.

 

Maybe telling Minato and Lee the plan wasn’t such a great idea, or telling them that Kushina thought having a threesome was a great idea, because after dinner and the first few shots of sake they were all still staring uncomfortably at each other.

 

Well, Lee was just staring back at them, eyebrows raised looking like she had no idea at all what was going on, which was sort of par for the course when it came to Lee. The good thing about Lee was that, even though she usually didn’t get something, she more or less would go along with it anyways because she never really understood anything anyways.

 

It was Minato, sitting there blushing, eyes going from Kushina to Lee and then back again, who was making things painful.

 

Still, it was going to work, it had to work, Kushina knew it would! Lee and Minato had been together forever, the only thing keeping them apart was Minato’s weirdly traditional sexual preferences of only having sex with one person at a time. Any other man would be screaming to be in Minato’s situation, seriously, what the hell was wrong with him?

 

“Minato, I think you need another drink.” Kushina said, shoving a sake filled glass towards Minato.

 

“No, uh, Kushina, I’m… I think I’m good.” No, he clearly wasn’t, while flushed and speaking in a somewhat slurred tone he clearly wasn’t drunk enough. If he wasn’t thinking it was a great idea to have crazy sex with Kushina and Lee at the same time, then he needed more alcohol.

 

“Nope, time to chug Minato.” Kushina said, leaning on top of him and shoving the glass in his face, forcing him to either be covered in sake or drink it. Minato, neat freak that he could sometimes be, chose to chug it down and then shudder slightly.

 

“Oh… Oh, I have had… had way too much.” Minato slurred, leaning forward, staring straight down at the floor and looking a bit too incapacitated for sex.

 

Which was not good.

 

Clearly more alcohol was not the answer, anymore and he would probably vomit, as it was Kushina was feeling more than a little tipsy. Well, what to do then? Exhibitionism? She and Minato could have sex in front of Lee, maybe that would inspire something, of course then Lee would probably just leave and stumble to Hatake’s saying she didn’t understand anything anymore.

 

That was probably way more likely.

 

So, then, there was one other option that seemed perfectly reasonable to Kushina’s drunken mind.

 

She turned her attention from the groaning Minato, hunched over himself, and staring at the floor to the rather dazed looking Eru Lee still looking at both of them with raised eyebrows. Moving to the other couch, grabbing Lee’s glass abandoned on the table, she perched herself on Lee’s lap and looked her in the eyes, “What about you, Lee? Still frighteningly sober?”

 

Lee eyed the glass warily, taking it delicately from Kushina, and quipped, “I’ve found that most people find my drunken bouts of destruction far more frightening than my sobriety.”

 

If she could manage to get that sentence out, without lapsing into English or even slurring, then she was way too sober. Still, Lee tipped back her head and threw back the shot in one go, that flush becoming slightly stronger on her cheeks and then leveled another stare at Kushina.

 

And saw through everything that Kushina was doing, everything she’d ever done, and maybe everything she ever would do.

 

Kushina stopped for a moment, stalled, wondered if she’d ever looked this closely into Lee’s eyes before. They were dark and light, a strange deep green, and they seemed endless and inhuman in a way that Mikoto’s sharingan never was.

 

For a moment Kushina’s nerve faltered, she stiffened, and thought it wasn’t too late to turn back and walk back to Minato.

 

Kushina stopped herself, stared back. No, this was her trial, if she failed and faltered now then what was she? Minato could look Lee in the face, could somehow accept her for everything she was, everything she had yet to reveal, surely Kushina could do no less. If she did less, thought about doing less, then how could she even think this could work?

 

How could she even think she deserved to make it work?

 

So Kushina let her determination come back, moved in closer to Lee, pressed against her, and lightly kissed her against the lips. Lee stiffened, her hands twitched and rose to Kushina’s waist, gripping too tightly for a moment and then forcibly relaxing, and for a moment Kushina felt as if she was baiting a dragon.

 

Kushina snuck a hand around to the back of Lee’s head, the other to her waist, drew her gently closer so that she could feel almost every inch of her, and began to move her lips more insistently.

 

It was… different, not bad, but certainly different than she’d been thinking. It wasn’t like kissing Minato, Minato was shy, but he also caught on sooner, and he also usually smiled in the first few seconds, unwillingly grinning as their lips met. With Lee it was like she was learning, like she didn’t really know how to respond or had forgotten how to, but there was this taste to her that Minato didn’t have. Something old, wild, powerful, and crackling ready to be released at a single moment.

 

Something golden, light, and profound in the same instant.

 

And Kushina found her getting more into this than she thought she would, maybe it was the lightheadedness, or the booze, or a combination. Or maybe Kushina was secretly gay this whole time, that could also be a thing.

 

Maybe she should be the one dating Lee and leave Minato all alone, ah, no she was just joking. She would never do that.

 

Kushina smiled against Lee’s lips, breaking the kiss and drawing away, feeling herself chuckle and then throw her head back in full blown hysterics.

 

“…I am very confused.” Lee looked, somehow, even more ruffled and frazzled than she had earlier that day, walking back from a mission filled with blood and terror and death. There was a stronger flush to her cheeks, her eyes were startlingly unfocused, and she breathed heavily still holding onto Kushina’s waist with both hands.

 

“I think I am drunk.” Lee concluded, licking her lips, looking beyond Kushina’s shoulder to wherever Minato.

 

“I think you are hot.” Kushina replied with a too large grin, not really meaning it lecherously, more like a joke than anything, but all the same Lee still managed to look adorably startled by it.

 

“I think I am exorbitantly drunk.”

 

There was a sound of something falling to the floor behind them, probably Minato’s sake cup, and Kushina decided to turn her attention to the other third of their awesome future threesome.

 

Kushina turned her head to watch as Minato was now openly gaping at them, the flush on his cheeks stronger than before, looking like he had no idea at all what was happening. Oh dear, Kushina might have just broken him.

 

“See something you like, Minato?” Kushina asked, eyelashes fluttering, pressing closer to Lee again with a sultry grin.

 

Minato swallowed, then stammered incoherently, “I… Uh… Oh, god… I am… I am very drunk.”

 

Well, he and Lee could go be drunk together then, provided drunk Kushina was also involved.

 

Kushina turned her attention back to Lee, thread her fingers through that thick, more yellow-red hair than Kushina’s, “Say, Lee, why don’t we take this somewhere a little more amenable to this kind of activity?”

 

Behind her she heard that glass fall again, and possibly the bottle spill onto the table, and Minato drunken swearing and fumbling.

 

“What?” Lee asked, still looking dazed and a little confused.

 

“I’ve never made love to a woman before,” cue more Minato swearing and flailing around in the background, “I don’t think my first time should be on a couch.”

 

Kushina stood, reached out a hand towards Lee, which Lee took somewhat hesitantly, stumbling to her feet and into Kushina.

 

“…I am still confused.” Lee finally, said, as Kushina began shepherding her into the bedroom. It would be a tight squeeze with three people but sex sort of was about tight squeezes so it’d probably be fine.

 

“Well, are you having fun?” Kushina asked, actually serious about this, because while she thought Lee was enjoying herself if Lee didn’t want to then Kushina would stop.

 

Minato stood, finally managing to put all the glasses and bottles back onto the table, “Kushina! Kushina, what the hell are you thinking?!”

 

Kushina spared him a sultry glance over her shoulder, mouthed the words, ‘You know you want to’ and then turned her attention back to Lee, who was still thinking on her answer.

 

“Surprisingly, yes. Although, to be fair, I had expected more talking and less lesbian couch make out sessions when you said I should come over for dinner.”

 

Kushina smiled, opened the door to the bedroom for Lee, displaying Kushina’s unmade sheets in all of their orange glory, “Well then, my friend, welcome to my parlor.”

 

“Kushina, I swear to god, if you even think about…”

 

As soon as Lee was through the door, Kushina shut the door in Minato’s face, if he wanted in he would have to man up and open the door himself. So while Minato was too busy drunkenly screaming at the door, pretending he wasn’t in panicking arousal, Kushina quickly rolled her shirt up and off her shoulders, rolled down her shorts, took off her underwear and pushed the still clothed Lee back onto the bed.

 

Was this a little fast? Maybe. Considering that Kushina had been dating Minato forever, and therefore sort of dating Lee forever, Kushina didn’t think so. Besides, Uzumaki went big or they went home.

 

“Oh, you are very naked.” Lee noted, as Kushina began to move her lips and teeth along Lee’s pale jawline.

 

“And you are not, you should fix that.” Kushina murmured in Lee’s ear, running her hands along the bottom hem of Lee’s shirt, pushing it upwards, listening as Lee let out an involuntary gasp as Kushina’s colder fingers pushed up towards her breasts and…

 

“GODDAMMIT KUSHINA!”

 

And there was Minato, the eternal mood-killer, or well trying to be the eternal mood-killer. Really, he could open the door if he wanted to, in fact, Kushina shouted that, “If you’re so unhappy, Minato, you could always just open the door.”

 

Minato stalled, hesitated, probably knowing that if he opened the door he’d find himself staring at ass naked Kushina straddling an about to be shirtless Eru Lee.

 

So instead he stayed outside like a coward and shouted, “Don’t take advantage of Lee in her drunken state!”

 

Oh, pretending to be noble, that’s how he was going to play it to himself. Well, Kushina could beat that flimsy excuse easily enough.

 

“I am perfectly drunk too; we are taking mutual advantage of each other! Plus, Minato, Lee is enjoying herself. Aren’t you, Lee?” Kushina asked, as she pushed the shirt overhead and started working on the bra, fingers running under it at just the right moment to elicit a louder noise from Lee. Loud enough for Minato to hear outside.

 

“See, the only one here not having fun is you Minato, for no reason. Because there is plenty to go around, right Lee?”

 

Lee didn’t respond, instead Minato continued his drunken and rather creative swearing and pounding of the wall from the other side. Meanwhile Lee, arched back and eyes closed, was actually starting to get a little more adventurous with her hands which was strangely exciting. In spite of Lee’s lack of expertise there was something sort of thrilling about watching her learn how to react to this, to being the one to teach her about this, before even Minato could.

 

At Lee’s latest cry of sexual anguish Minato appeared to break and he charged through the door, only to find himself staring at a shirtless, braless, Lee, naked Kushina straddling her, lips on one breast, hands on the other.

 

Kushina glanced at him, grinned slyly, and couldn’t resist the famous, “Well, well, well, Minato, is that a kunai in your pants or are you just happy to see us?”

 

And Minato’s flushing virgin act was done, washed away by sake and the sounds of Lee and his girlfriend making sweet love in the bedroom, and Minato flung his own shirt off over his head, was apparently drunkenly pissed enough to step out of his pants to, and rolled Kushina over onto her back and off of Lee so that he was straddling and staring down at both the half-naked Lee and the fully-naked Kushina

 

Kushina burst into laughter.

 

(Which was promptly cut off by Minato’s lips and the drunkenly angry statement of, “You are enjoying this far too much, Uzumaki.”)

 

* * *

 

Late morning, the next day, Kushina awoke to sunlight drifting through the blinds, a pounding headache, and two bodies entangled with hers. On her left was Minato, arm flung around her waist, face buried in her shoulder, looking more than a little worse for wear (if this was because of the ridiculous amounts of sex or the alcohol was anyone’s guess). On her right was Lee, legs entwined with Kushina, back of her head resting on Kushina’s shoulder, staring blankly at the ceiling looking as if she wasn’t feeling the after effects of any of this.

 

It was a strangely quiet moment, one Kushina had shared before with Minato, but not with Lee. Somehow, so still and silent, Lee looked more alien than she did when wielding incomprehensible jutsus. There was that deep look in her eyes again as she stared at the ceiling, that one that seemed to see everything and more.

 

And without even looking at Kushina, realizing she was awake, Lee said calmly, “You don’t have to share him.”

 

“What?”

 

Lee turned her eyes from the ceiling to Kushina’s, her expression flat and empty, and repeated, “You don’t have to share Namikaze Minato with me, Uzumaki Kushina.”

 

Lee’s expression softened, and suddenly she looked older than twenty, older than anyone alive in the village, “Minato’s always been more than flesh to me, more than sex, and I won’t deny him his happiness in whatever form he chooses to take it. I don’t need him to. He’s yours, Kushina, in ways that he shouldn’t be mine.”

 

Kushina stared for a moment, contemplated that, what that might mean, and suddenly felt herself growing angry, “And who decides that?! Who decides that you just have to… What be Minato’s weird shrine maiden? Do you even hear yourself?”

 

Because that’s what Lee was planning on doing, she was just going to be alone, this weird satellite to Kushina’s and Minato’s relationship forever. And maybe Lee was fine with that, maybe Lee could live like that, but Kushina didn’t want her to! Maybe Lee was an immortal alien goddess, but that didn’t mean she had to live like she wasn’t even a person, like she didn’t deserve happiness!

 

Kushina reached out to Lee with her free hand, grabbed Lee’s, and squeezed it maybe a bit too tightly.

 

“No, Lee, I’m sharing Minato because I want to, because he wants to! And if you care at all about what I want, what he wants even if he doesn’t admit he wants it, then you’ll admit you want it too!”

 

Lee hesitated, looked uncertain for a moment, her eyes glanced to Minato then back to Kushina, “It’ll get weird.”

 

“So, that’s never bothered you before!”

 

“People will talk.”

 

“Only the boring people and the jealous people.” Kushina said before adding, “And I kind of hope they will, so that we can rub it in all of their jealous faces!”

 

Lee’s lips unwillingly twitched upwards in the beginning of a smile, “Minato will probably panic.”

 

“Pssh, he’ll get over it.” Kushina said, before adding her trademark and extremely necessary, “Believe it, Lee!”

 

“…You know, Kushina, I think I actually do.”

 

* * *

 

“And that was it?” Hari asked, eyebrows raised, while Naruto was too busy staring at the wall trying not to think about what he’d just heard. He kind of regretted bringing it up at all, who knew that ignorance actually was better.

 

“Of course not,” Kushina said, waving a hand and brushing away the comment, “Minato, of course, panicked. Disappeared with Kakashi on a training trip for like a month and a half, which probably would have lasted longer if it wasn’t Kakashi he was stuck with. Then of course he was all pissed and panicked when Lee and I took advantage of his absence. But eventually he got over it, certainly by the time you guys were born.”

 

Kushina continued, “Lee actually took it pretty well, but then she’s always been good at rolling with things as they come. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how everything will turn out ahead of time. She was really more concerned about ninja things than she was her relationships. Which, is pretty damn practical.”

 

“What about you?” Hari asked, asked for both of them since Naruto was busy pretending he hadn’t heard any of this ever.

 

“Me? Well, I took it the most awesomely of it all. After all, it was my brilliant idea! And, it worked out perfectly! Just like I thought it would, and everyone thought it was crazy, that Minato was this hound dog, you wouldn’t believe what ero-jiji said about him, but it still worked! Therefore, the moral of this story, is that your mom is an amazing badass and that Uzumaki’s are the best matchmakers ever!”

 

Naruto looked at Hari, Hari looked at Naruto, they both offered their mother two awkward smiles and silently agreed that they would never, ever, think about this or discuss it again.


	2. Chapter 2

Naruto had honestly planned to forget all about it, really, it wasn’t like he enjoyed thinking about his dad and his moms wound up together. And Hari had shut down about it completely, would actually sort of do the dad thing and disappear out of thin air whenever anyone brought it up. So, Naruto had fully intended on moving on.

 

Plus, there were other things to think about.

 

Like Sakura, Sakura whose eyes were almost like Lee-kaa’s or even Hari’s bluer green, but was an even better green. Jade, Hari had commented after Naruto’s quasi poetic rant on the subject of Sakura’s cherry blossom pink hair and her green eyes, her eyes were like jade.

 

Of course, Sakura didn’t seem to care what Naruto thought.

 

Which lead Naruto to the other thing that Naruto could spend all day thinking about, that bastard Uchiha Sasuke.

 

Not only was he a pale, moody, frowning, terse little bastard, but Sakura was always following him around trying to get his attention and he barely even noticed! If anything he sneered at her, well, her and Ino and all the other girls that followed him around. Still, Naruto would be fine with Sakura following him around, trying to talk to him, delivering him homemade bentos…

 

It also didn’t help that, as much as Naruto hated to admit it, the bastard wasn’t half bad. Of course, Naruto was better, sure Naruto might be dead last in the exams, he might not be able to make a clone, but Naruto was sure that if it came to a fight, a real fight and not a stupid spar in class, that he could crush him.

 

As it was, Hari seemed to be the only one who could crush him, and every time she did, even if Naruto wished it was him slamming his foot into Sasuke-bastard’s stupid face, he always made sure to rub it in with vigor.

 

You just got Namikaze’d, stupid girly bastard!

 

So really, he had a lot to think about that wasn’t his parents, and on the day it came up again, with him, Hari, and Shikamaru all walking over to the Nara compound for Hari’s biweekly shoji matchup with Shika, he hadn’t been thinking about it at all.

 

“I just don’t get it! What am I doing wrong?” Naruto cried, ready to tear out his hair, because once again Sakura had slammed a text book over his head when all he’d tried to do was give her take-out ramen.

 

Hari sighed, shared a look with Shika that Naruto couldn’t quite decipher, and said, “You know, Naruto, maybe it’s time to give up on Sakura.”

 

“Give up on Sakura?! Namikazes never give up, believe it!”

 

“No, that would be the Uzumaki side of the family,” Hari muttered with a wry and worn expression, before starting again, “Maybe you could at least admit that she’s not that interested right now. If you’re that determined, you could at least wait a few years and see if she becomes reasonable…”

 

“Sakura’s perfect,” Naruto said, after all she was kind, strong, smart, pretty, “It’s all that stupid bastard Sasuke’s fault!”

 

“I don’t think we can blame Sasuke for this one.” Hari said before sighing and looking over at Shika, “You want to explain?”

 

“Too troublesome,” was apparently all Shikamaru had to say about that as he walked beside them, eyes slowly moving back and forth from Naruto to Hari.

 

“Of course, you would say that…” Hari muttered a look of increasing frustration appearing on her face then with a dramatic sigh she said, “Naruto, Sakura is a fangirl, believe me when I say she isn’t going to be a rational human being until at least…”

 

Hari trailed off, looked at Shikamaru, who considered this and supplied for her, “Thirty.”

 

Hari dubiously continued, “…she’s thirty. Until that time, unless you somehow manage to make yourself girlier looking and broodier than Sasuke, then Sakura is never, and I repeat never, going to give you the time of day.”

 

“Fangirl?” Naruto asked, he’d heard the term before, and had heard Hari refer to most of the girls in their class as that (really with the exception of herself and Hyuga Hinata) but that said no one had ever really said what it meant.

 

“Naruto, are you really this much of a moron?” Shikamaru asked, only to be hit on the back of the head by a flushing Hari.

 

Hari then sighed, raked a hand through thick and curling blonde hair, and said, “You know how Sakura, Ino, Ami, and well… most of the girls we know around our age, all seem to follow Sasuke around all the time, bring him offerings…”

 

“Make virgin sacrifices in his honor,” Shikamaru interjected, only to be smacked by Hari again.

 

“Really, Shika, you want to make this any harder?” Hari said, before continuing, “Anyways, you how the only thing these girls ever talk about is their future as Mrs. Uchiha Sasuke, and all the adorable half Uchiha babies they’re going to have. Well, Naruto, that’s a fangirl.”

 

Naruto flushed, flustered, and suddenly seeing red, “Sakura’s not like that!”

 

Hari just gave him this deadpan stare that was so reminiscent of Lee-kaa that he almost had to blink, “Really? Naruto, what was the last thing Sakura said to you?”

 

Naruto blinked, thought back, and then flushed when he recalled, “… That I was a gross idiot and nothing at all like Sasuke.”

 

“And the time before that?”

 

“…That I’d ruined her bento that she was going to give to Sasuke.”

 

Hari then offered him a rather thin smile, “And tell me, Naruto, have you ever had a conversation with Sakura that didn’t somehow revolve around Sasuke?”

 

Naruto ground his teeth, looked down at the dirt road and his own scuffed sandals, and the bitterly responded, “No.”

 

Hari didn’t say anything in response, but she didn’t have to, because she was probably thinking that you couldn’t have a real relationship with someone if all they talked about was somebody else. And maybe there was something to that, maybe it had been weeks now and Sakura never once looked in his direction unless he forced her too, and maybe all she ever did was yell at him but…

 

“But I can’t give up now! I just know I can show her how amazing I am and how dumb Sasuke-bastard is, believe it!”

 

Hari and Shikamaru didn’t look all that impressed by Naruto’s grand declaration, instead they stared at him with similarly raised eyebrows, and eventually Shikamaru said, “That’s great Naruto, but we’re already here.”

 

Naruto stopped, stared, and he was right because there was the Nara compound out of nowhere. He’d really managed to get distracted there for a moment…

 

He followed behind as Shikamaru walked ahead, slipping off his sandals, and calling out to let either his mom or dad know that he was back along with Naruto and Hari. Then they walked into the kitchen where the shogi board was already cleared and waiting for Hari and Shika to start a new game.

 

Naruto wasn’t any good at shogi, didn’t have the patience for it, or so his dad said. That said, he didn’t really mind coming over with Hari, because shogi for Shika was sort of an excuse to hang around people and Hari seemed to enjoy it. That, and for all that Naruto enjoyed doing stuff as opposed to watching, he’d always been interested in Hari and Shikamaru’s weekly battle of wits over the board, and although he wasn’t nearly that good at thinking ten or twenty steps ahead he could appreciate it when he saw it.

 

Besides, today it gave him time to think over how to win Sakura away from Sasuke, show her that there really wasn’t much there worth following. Hell, Sasuke might be second best in the class to Hari, but he wasn’t anything close to what his brother Itachi was or even Kakashi-nii who had already graduated by their age.

 

Hell, Obito-nii, that Shisui guy, pretty much everyone was better than Sasuke. Sasuke was only great by comparison, what was it Lee-kaa always said? Something about homely girls at dances…

 

“Hello Naruto-kun,” A deep adult voice interrupted Naruto’s musings, “You look like you’re unusually deep in thought.”

 

Naruto looked up to find himself staring at Shikamaru’s dad, “Oh, hi Shika’s dad, what are you doing here?”

 

Shika’s dad snorted as he sat down at the table, “Shika’s dad, that’s hardly better than Lazy Nara…”

 

The man sighed, considered Naruto and said, “Your dad was kind enough to give me the day off, and clan business wrapped up earlier than expected. Of course, the one day I’m home and Shikamaru drags you two over.”

 

Naruto was about to interject that there wasn’t anything wrong with that but Shikamaru’s dad held up a hand, “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

 

“Hello, Nara-sama” Hari said without looking up from the board, eyes distant as she calculated moves upon moves, all while Shikamaru waited patiently for her to finish her turn, also equally intent upon the board.

 

“Hello to you too, Hari-chan” Shikamaru’s dad said, rolling and cracking his neck as he sat there, “How was the academy today?”

 

“Fine,” Hari answered at the same time as Shikamaru said, “Troublesome,”

 

Naruto, however, had an actual answer as he grabbed at his hair in frustration, “Sakura turned me down again!”

 

Shika’s dad’s eyebrows raised and seemed on the verge of asking something when Shikamaru said, “Fangirl,”

 

This, apparently, explained a lot if Shikamaru’s dad’s look of comprehension was anything to go by. Which just made it that much worse.

 

“Sakura’s not a fangirl!” Naruto shouted and then explained with fiery passion, “She’s great, she’s strong, smart, so pretty, and even if she does talk about Sasuke-bastard a lot that doesn’t make her a fangirl!”

 

“I see,” it didn’t seem like Shika’s dad saw at all, but he went onto say, “That poor Uchiha boy, thankfully in my academy days I didn’t have to deal with any of those thanks to your mother.”

 

“My mom?” Naruto asked, too curious even to point out again that Sakura wasn’t a fangirl and that Sasuke wasn’t even worth pitying.

 

“Lee was remarkable fangirl repellant in our academy days. If you were within five feet of her no starry-eyed girl would get near you. That’s actually how I ended up friends with her and your father.”

 

And that was how it started, how Naruto unintentionally started thinking about his moms and dad again, and how on earth they all could have ended up together like that. Because even though Kushina-kaa had told most of the story, there was still a lot that Naruto just didn’t get, or stuff that wasn’t explained.

 

“Dad and Lee-kaa were really close when they were little, right?” Naruto asked.

 

Across the room he heard a shogi piece clack against the wood, and felt Hari’s eyes turn to him, perhaps in warning or in curiosity.

 

“They were practically married by the age of five,” Shikamaru’s dad said with a snort.

 

“But he ended up dating Kushina-kaa first, for a while too,” Naruto pointed out to which the man nodded, and Naruto pressed on, “And then Kushina-kaa convinced him to date Lee too, right?”

 

“That’s one word for it.” Shika’s dad said.

 

“But… How did Kushina-kaa convince him, or even Lee-kaa, that… How did she change their minds?”

 

How did Naruto show Sakura that he was worth it? How had his mom managed it, all those years before he and Hari were even born?

 

Shika’s dad gave Naruto a blank look, then bluntly asked, “Are you really asking me for that troublesome story?”

 

Naruto hesitated, then flushed remembering how the last time he’d asked about this turned out, but then nodded with determination. If it helped him get Sakura, stopped her from obsessing over Sasuke, then he could handle some gross details about his parents that he never wanted to think about, “Yeah, believe it!”

 

“Well, then you should know, that even though Kushina was the one to flip the table and turn everything on its head she’ s not the one who made that work.”

 

Hari turned fully from the shogi game, ignoring Shikamaru’s look of annoyance, and watched Shika’s dad with a blatantly curious expression, “She wasn’t?”

 

“Nope, if it was up to Kushina, then Minato probably would have abandoned the village and ended up an honorary missing-nin and we’d be stuck with Eru Lee as hokage, sage preserve us.” Shika’s dad shuddered, because apparently, this wasn’t a good idea at all, and then continued, “No, the one who kept it from going to hell in a handbasket was none other than me…”

 

* * *

 

“So, I’m confused, you’re not dating Minato?”

 

Before they could even respond, before he could even find out the answer, he had the terrible feeling that he was going to regret the decision to confront them.

 

Nara Shikaku, liked to consider himself a reasonable person, perhaps one of the few left inside Konoha. Ever since Lee had grown up the number of rational people had dwindled and even inside of the clan some of the younger generation had found themselves warped by Eru Lee’s mere presence.

 

After all, how could one rely on logic when there was no limit to the potential moves of the eternal and metaphorical shogi game. In a world with immortal shinobi, suicidal clones, teleportation, and near infinite chakra supplies why bother with something as tedious as strategy.

 

Point being, Shikaku was part of a dying breed.

 

And staring at Uzumaki Kushina and Eru Lee sitting on stools at Ichiraku’s, Kushina with her arm slung over Lee’s shoulder and leaning in far too close, with an expression that was too fond and too interested to scream anything platonic, and Lee dutifully eating her ramen and seeming to ignore all of it completely… Well, Shikaku had a bad feeling.

 

Kushina glanced over her shoulder at Shikaku, pouted at the sight of his raised eyebrows, because she knew very well that he could tell (and that everyone could tell even if they were blind) that she was apparently attempting to cheat on Minato with Lee of all people.

 

Which, really, was a terrible idea. Minato might seem unnaturally kind and forgiving for a shinobi but he had his moments. Someone displaying sexual interest in Eru Lee, well, that could trigger something truly frightening.

 

“No, I’m still dating Minato.” Kushina said before adding her standard, “Believe it.”

 

Looking at Lee, who was now glancing back at him with a glint of… something, in her eyes, he couldn’t quite find himself believing it, “Really?”

 

“I just also happen to be dating Lee, at the same time, right Lee?”

 

His eyes, almost unwillingly, slid to Lee who just shrugged in return, “There was sex involved.”

 

For a moment, he thought he hadn’t heard right, then he realized he had heard right, and had to piece together what that even meant, “Wait… What?”

 

“You heard her, Lazy Nara” Kushina quipped, apparently taking great delight in not only stealing Lee’s name for him but also in making him extremely uncomfortable, “Minato, Lee, and I had a legendary threesome.”

 

Even though Shikaku had stopped speaking, Kushina kept talking, “That’s right, not only a threesome but an awesome threesome, the kind that pervert sensei Jiraiya would be drooling to have, believe it!”

 

He didn’t want to believe it, either way though he felt his legs growing weak and found himself sitting down at the counter. Sage, this was Haru’s shit to deal with, as the third and only normal member of the magnificent seven it was his job to deal with this kind of… troublesome situation.

 

Really all he could ask was, “…How?” Then he paused and added an even more confused, “Why?!”

 

“Well, you see, Shikaku, when a man and a woman and another woman love each other very much…” Kushina started, almost patronizingly, but stroking Lee’s hair as she did so, curling her fingers through the red ringlets all while Shikaku watched in both fascination and a sort of queasy horror.

 

“Not that how! I meant why would you do this?”

 

Kushina and Minato had been dating for years, and true, at first Shikaku had been dubious. After all, at that point Minato and Lee had still lived together but… But Lee and Minato didn’t seem to have that kind of a relationship. They were platonic, more platonic than even two very close friends of the same gender, and in spite of the lack of romantic connection between the two there was still a depth to their bond that was really quite profound (if occasionally terrifying).

 

Although, there were some odd exceptions to this. For one, Minato chased off anyone who even glanced in Lee’s general direction. Hell, for all that he didn’t understand Lee she was quite pretty, exotic looking even, and Shikaku himself might have given taking Lee on a date a whirl if Minato wouldn’t have torn him in half and fed him to toads for it.

 

Minato had also been very reluctant to give up their shared apartment and move in with Kushina. And as it was, whenever Lee was inside the village after a mission, he tended to move back in with her anyways even if she was staying at Hatake’s compound.

 

All the same, he had never considered the possibility that… And of course, that was his mistake, he lived in Konoha with Eru Lee. He had no choice but to consider all possibilities no matter how improbable they might seem.

 

“It wasn’t working,” Kushina sighed, dropped her arm from Lee’s shoulder and slumped for a moment, “We both knew it, or I did anyways, Minato likes to keep his head firmly in the sand, and I know it didn’t look like it but… But something was missing, Lee was missing.”

 

“You know, I was right here the whole time. Or, well, whenever I wasn’t in Kusa, hardly missing.” Lee commented, before adding, “Besides, I’m not sure what drunken sex has to do with any of that.”

 

Shikaku had always doubted Lee even understood what sex was, it was uncomfortable to learn that he was more or less right about that, she knew the mechanics, but it appeared like the emotional ramifications missed her completely.

 

There was a reason the sandaime didn’t send Lee on seduction missions.

 

“You would never think that you’d be the cuddler.” Kushina said to Lee with a too bright grin for the situation. Lee, as expected, just stared blankly back.

 

Shikaku just tried to take this all in, piece it together, and now that he was thinking about it he couldn’t help but picture them all in the act. Or, more specifically, Kushina and Lee in the act, something he’d never considered before but now couldn’t seem to not think about…

 

Which Yoshino, the tokebetsu jonin he’d recently started dating, would not at all appreciate when she found out. And he had the terrible feeling she would find out, the troublesome woman.

 

Rubbing a hand across his temples and sighing he asked, “So, if you two are here… On a date, then where is Minato?”

 

“Oh, flakey blonde? He went to go have a panic attack in the woods with Kashi-kun.” Kushina said, with a wave of her hand, as if this wasn’t anything anyone should be concerned about.

 

“Can you translate that?” He asked, rather bitingly as his patience was beyond nearing its end.

 

“Minato took Kakashi on a training trip and didn’t say when he was coming back.” Lee said, putting her now finished ramen to the side and considering this, “He did seem… very alarmed afterwards.”

 

“He’ll get over it. I mean, please, men would kill to be in his position.” Kushina eyed him, “Shikaku, wouldn’t you kill to be in Minato’s position right now?”

 

And there was that image, against all reason, of Kushina and Lee naked together in a bed, flushed faces, hands gripping pale flesh and…

 

He stood, glared at the pair, shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and walked off muttering under his breath, “This has gone beyond troublesome to catastrophic.”

 

He ignored Kushina’s loud, so loud, taunts of, “You know you want it, Nara!” as he walked stiffly off in the direction of the Hatake compound, where he might be able to find out wherever Minato had dragged Kakashi off to so he could avoid his own problems and troublesome life.

 

* * *

 

Shikaku had never been as close to the white wolf as Lee, then later Minato, had been. Of course, this was understandable, by the time Shikaku had become a jonin the man was already phasing out of active duty. That, and unlike Lee, he had never been involved on the ANBU side of things and thus had rarely crossed paths with Konoha’s white wolf.

 

All the same, the man had a reputation that preceded him, not only as one of Konoha’s deadliest shinobi of the older generation, or as one of the pillars of ANBU, but also as a fairly reasonable man who was one of the few who had earned not only Lee’s devotion but also her respect.

 

In other words, if you needed to get Lee back into line, or even just understand what the hell was going on in the village this time, then Hatake Sakumo was your man.

 

After briefly explaining his encounter with Kushina and Lee, and how they’d said Minato had taken his apprentice and Hatake’s son Kakashi, on an indefinite training trip, Sakumo sighed and rubbed his temples.

 

“You know, I should have known when Lee came over to ask for advice,” the man took a sip of tea, looking torn between being dubious, annoyed, and amused if he wasn’t involved.

 

Shikaku felt much the same way.

 

“Lee asked for advice?”

 

“Well, she came in in the late morning after having a get together with Kushina and Minato, and said she, ‘didn’t understand anything anymore”

 

Shikaku barked out a laugh, “And she didn’t mention why?”

 

Sakumo pursed his lips and considered this, “Not in so many words, she certainly didn’t say that she had been drunkenly seduced by Uzumaki Kushina, had a drunken threesome with Kushina and Minato, and then was abandoned by an extremely panicked and hungover Minato who then proceeded to practically kidnap my son for a training trip.”

 

“I’m sure they’re being productive,” Shikaku offered, because for all that Minato might panic about his personal life he took his teaching very seriously. That, and, whenever Shikaku asked about Minato’s apprentice, Minato said something about it being dangerous to underestimate the boy.

 

“Oh, I have no doubt of that, Kakashi wouldn’t tolerate anything less,” Sakumo said, before adding, “On the whole I have no problem with it. Kakashi could use a training trip, as it seems Konoha is all too eager for him to take on the jonin exams, and there are specialties like fuinjutsu that he’s better off learning from Minato than he is from me.”

 

“But…” Shikaku prompted.

 

“But I don’t like Namikaze Minato using my son as an excuse to run away from his own problems, particularly when they’re of his own making.”

 

Now that Shikaku hadn’t heard before, “Seemed like Kushina was the one to blame for most of this.”

 

Certainly, if you listened to Uzumaki it was, like it was by her brilliance alone that all of this had happened, of course Kushina seemed to be under the impression that it was anything but a disaster and was inordinately pleased with herself. Not that this was new behavior from Uzumaki, who tended to be very proud of the chaos she could cause on any given day.

 

“But why did Kushina act?” Sakumo said and then with a distant, nostalgic, look he said, “No, this has been a long time coming.”

 

“I always thought that Minato and Lee would have ended up together but… Lee was never going to make the first move, never give any indication that she thought things could be more than they were. And when Minato left to train with Jiraiya, then came back, and nothing had changed… Well, perhaps it seemed natural to him to gravitate towards Kushina instead.”

 

“But you don’t think he should have,” Shikaku said.

 

“No, those two have a very deep bond, even if it was only platonic, it’s the sort of bond that you can’t have with someone and marry someone else. Lee and Minato were never going to be simply friends, and he should have known that, even if Lee didn’t.” Sakumo said, “Really, I understand why Kushina did what she did. It’s an… interesting solution, but she most likely saw the same thing I did.”

 

That it wasn’t working, wasn’t that what Kushina had said? Shikaku hadn’t seen it, after all she and Minato had been dating for years now, and Lee had happily remained a satellite in orbit around the pair of them but all the same… All the same looking back there had been something unnaturally tenuous about the situation, like they were all just waiting for one of them to snap.

 

“And now he’s dragging us all into this ridiculous mess for something he really should have seen coming!”

 

Shikaku gave a brief, wry, smile to the man and then got to the point, “Right, you know where he and Kakashi went, by any chance?”

 

Sakumo shook his head, “No, Minato barely spared time to say hello, let alone give pertinent details of this surprise and absolutely necessary training trip. Of course, given that Lee is my apprentice and that I’m the closest thing she has to a father, I imagine that this is the closest he ever got to dishonoring the daughter of a very powerful katana wielding ninja.”

 

Shikaku wondered if he should point out, that technically since Lee had been a jonin for years, Sakumo wasn’t her official master anymore. However, that seemed rude, also Shikaku valued his health while Minato apparently didn’t.

 

“He’s just lucky that I like him, most of the time,” Sakumo added, eyebrow twitching, his patience with Minato clearly waning.

 

Considering this Sakumo said, “If I were you I’d check with Jiraiya. If Minato were going to go to anyone for advice about this sort of a situation, especially with Lee involved, then he’d probably have checked in with his old sensei.”

 

Shikaku nearly spit out the tea he was sipping, “You think he went and got advice from the pervy sage?!”

 

Pervy sage was really Kushina’s term for the man, apparently having picked it up from Minato’s apprentice, and Shikaku had rarely felt inclined to use it, but this seemed to be the time and the place for that.

 

Sakumo cringed, “Oh, I’m sure Jiraiya’s very proud of all this but… Remember he was also Lee’s genin sensei as well as Minato’s, and aside from me, probably knows her the best. If Minato wanted to talk, and I imagine he needed to, then he’d probably feel no choice but to go to Jiraiya.”

 

At the cost of ending up the next protagonist in Jiraiya’s book. Shikaku could see it now, “Icha Icha Double Red Headed Trouble”, lining the book shelves with two grinning, red-haired twins on the front cover hovering over the hapless blonde protagonist.

 

“If you say so, it certainly can’t hurt,” it couldn’t make Shikaku’s day any less troublesome, at the very least.

 

Shikaku set down his own cup of tea, stood, and began making his way to the door with a small bow of respect to the incredibly irritated white wolf, because unlike Minato Shikaku valued having his head attached to his body, but before he could make it out of the room Sakumo added, “Oh, and Nara-san, when you find Minato, do tell him that he and I need to have a little talk.”

 

And with that ominous parting thought Shikaku made his way outside, and paused, for a moment, to mourn Minato’s fate. But really, as Hatake Sakumo had said, it seemed he had brought most of it upon himself.

 

* * *

 

“Haru, dammit, I need more ink!”

 

Shikaku almost didn’t want to step inside, strike that, he really didn’t want to step inside. But none the less, none the less Minato was one of his best friends, one of his insane friends (thank the sage Choza and Inoichi had turned into normally functioning adults) but none the less a very good friend. One who should know better than to run off into the wilderness with a ten-year-old to avoid his relationship problems, honestly, Shikaku had always thought Minato was more emotionally mature than that.

 

Still, Shikaku had been there for Minato many times, and he wouldn’t abandon him now. Even if it required stepping into the lair of Konoha’s resident pervert sage, Jiraiya of the sanin.

 

“Haru, ink, now, or I’ll lose the inspiration!”

 

With a muttered prayer to his rational ancestors for guidance, Shikaku knocked loudly on the door, and swiftly found himself facing an extremely exasperated looking Matsuda Haru.

 

Of course, that was pretty much Haru’s default expression, for good reason. As much as Shikaku liked Minato and Lee he would have hated being on a team with the pair of them. Haru had been stuck on their team for years, and even during the war seemed to constantly be sent with them on missions, as the rational if impotent element of the magnificent seven.

 

“Is it about Lee and Uzumaki?” Haru asked, to which Shikaku dumbly nodded, because of course Haru had somehow managed to figure it out, and with a sigh Haru let him inside.

 

“What happened?”

 

Shikaku had never been inside Jiraiya’s apartment before, but he hadn’t imagined it’d be such a disaster, there were magazines everywhere, copies of old published books, drinks left unfinished, unwashed plates in the sink. It looked like the apartment of a young genin who’d only just started living on his own, not a man Jiraiya’s age.

 

“Sensei found divine inspiration,” Haru quipped before ushering Shikaku inside.

 

And there, sitting at a table in the eye of the proverbial storm, was none other than the toad sage, madly scratching out characters with a ballpoint pen, one hand raised out to Haru for the replacement.

 

“He’s been doing this all morning,” Haru said, brows furrowed even as he handed Jiraiya the next pen, to which Jiraiya muttered a brief thank you before continuing his flurry of writing.

 

“Right, well, I don’t suppose you know where Minato ran off to?”

 

Haru spared him a dull glance and said, “No idea,”

 

“Really? He didn’t come talk to you…”

 

Haru held up his hands in a stopping motion, and interjected, “You could not pay me enough to listen to Minato and Lee’s relationship problems. Please, that is far beyond both my paygrade and my rank.”

 

“You’re a jonin.” Shikaku couldn’t help but point out, not even a tokebetsu jonin, but an A-ranked jonin at that, of course you’d have to be if you wanted to survive missions with Lee, who always seemed to be caught in A-ranks no matter the given rank of the mission.

 

“And yet I’m still dead last.”

 

Shikaku scoffed, “Only because you’re teammates with Lee and Minato.”

 

Who had both somehow managed to be S-ranked ninja, well, Lee more than Minato but Minato was nothing to sneeze at either.

 

“Either way, I deal with them way too often to deal with this latest disaster.” Haru said, crossing his arms and glaring at Shikaku as if he dared him to disagree.

 

Which, well, Shikaku did dare, “You’re their old teammate, isn’t this your problem? More than it is mine at any rate?”

 

“Nope, I’m washing my hands of the pair of them. If they aren’t dying, aren’t destroying the universe or the village, or else saving the universe or the village, then I don’t care.” Haru said, now sitting down next to Jiraiya, leaning back to observe the man as he did so.

 

“Washing your hands?”

 

Haru held up his hands for Shikaku’s inspection, “Washing my hands, look how clean they are.”

 

“Hm,” Shikaku responded, taking in the fact that Haru apparently had no inclination of going after Minato himself, “Troublesome.”

 

“Troublesome, you mean practical.” Haru scoffed, not even bothering to look at Shikaku.

 

“If you’re being so practical then what are you doing here?” Shikaku asked even as he too took a seat at the table.

 

Haru nodded towards the oblivious Jiraiya, who was now giggling to himself, entirely too caught up in his own writing to pay Shikaku any attention whatsoever. Suddenly Shikaku appreciated his genin sensei more than he ever had in his life.

 

“What do you think happened? Jiraiya-sensei sent a toad saying it was an emergency. Turns out he just needed me to keep the fridge stocked and keep supplying pens while he reinterprets Minato, Lee, and Uzumaki’s sordid love affair and night of passion.”

 

Shikaku leaned forward across the table with a smirk, “And that’s not troublesome?”

 

Haru glared petulantly for a moment, then with a grimace bitterly used one of Lee’s timeless English words for the situation, “ _Touché_ ,”

 

“What is the name of the soon to be published Icha Icha?”

 

“I don’t know, ‘The Red Edition’, maybe?” Haru said raised hands, as if he just didn’t know what to do about all of this anymore.

 

“Really, I was betting on, ‘Double Red Headed Trouble” Shikaku commented, liking his pun far better than Haru’s.

 

Suddenly Jiraiya seemed to remember that there were people there, or at least felt the need to finally join the conversation, “You’re both wrong! It’s going to be ‘Icha Icha: It’s Better in Red”

 

Shikaku considered that for a moment, and nodded in consent, because that was better than both his and Haru’s.

 

“Decided to join the living, sensei?” Haru asked with far more sass than he’d ever had as a twelve-year-old genin.

 

“You two were being distracting and noisy,” Jiraiya said with a huff, “And as you can see, I’m in the throes of passion at the moment, and would greatly appreciate it if you two could stop chattering like academy fangirls.”

 

“Do you want a steady supply of food or not?” Haru asked, genuinely offended, which he had every right to be, considering he was basically taking a D-rank to babysit his sensei, only unpaid.

 

“You just don’t understand art when you see it! This might be my best work yet, Haru, and more it’s based on the life of my own wayward apprentice who has finally started living up to his potential!”

 

Somehow, Shikaku didn’t think Jiraiya meant his potential as a ninja…

 

“And I’m sure, when Minato gets back, that he’ll be very understanding of this piece of art. One which not only humilaties him, but goes into great detail describing his girlfriend as well as his best friend.” Haru responded tersely, and it was a credit to Minato’s capabilities that Jiraiya actually did look somewhat shaken by that, for a moment.

 

“Please, Kyoko and Rika have way larger breasts than either Kushina or Lee, they’re not even remotely the same people.”

 

Haru offered no verbal response to this, only a quiet and doubtful, “Hm,”

 

“Jiraiya-sama, I was actually wondering if you’d seen Minato…”

 

“Oh, right, yeah he came in and told me all of this a while ago.” Jiraiya said, waving this off as if it was unimportant in comparison to Icha Icha.

 

“… And was wondering if you knew where he’d decided to take Kakashi.” Shikaku finished, giving Jiraiya a pointed look.

 

Jiriaya paused, then said, “Oh yeah, he did say something about a training trip with Sakumo’s weird kid. He didn’t want to leave the village, well, couldn’t, hadn’t given sensei enough of a reason or time. That said, most of the training grounds are way below Kakashi’s level. I think he might have gone to the Forest of Death, he was kind of rambling at that point.”

 

“He took his apprentice to the Forest of Death?” That seemed a bit extreme, of course Kakashi was a chunin, and as Hatake had said the boy was maybe a year or two away from taking the jonin exams. Still that seemed… extreme.

 

It also meant that Shikaku would have to make his way through the Forest of Death in order to talk Minato back into returning to the village, which would just cap off his day, really.

 

“Yeah, yeah, was that it? Because I have to keep writing before I lose my groove.”

 

“Well, we wouldn’t want that,” Shikaku said, sparing a glance to the increasingly frustrated looking Haru.

 

“Yo, Haru, you want to come with?” Shikaku asked as he stood, and Haru appeared to consider it for a moment, even seemed tempted, then ended up shaking his head, “I’m not going to get anywhere near that disaster until it cools down to somewhat normal levels.”

 

“Suit yourself,” Shikaku said, because honestly, he’d much rather go after Minato then spend the day catering to Jiraiya’s whims.

 

And with that Shikaku was off to the races, strolling through the street towards the towering trees in the distance, and all the dangers that waited inside. Hopefully, if he was lucky, this all could be settled before sunset.

 

But, as Lee would often ask him rhetorically, he didn’t feel lucky.

 

* * *

 

“I forgot how much I hated this place,”

 

Of course, no one really liked the Forest of Death, it had a name for a reason, and it certainly wasn’t a place you ever entered on what was supposed to be your day off. Leeches, tigers, wolves, and more all lurked in the shadows with red eyes tracking Shikaku’s movements as he tracked the parse signs of human life for Minato and his apprentice.

 

Honestly, the things he ended up doing for Minato and Lee. They should really thank him, get him a gift basket at the very least, or at least have the decency to say they were sorry for being entirely troublesome.

 

Finally, after too long searching, he finally started hearing a voice, the voice of a young boy that became clearer as he got closer, “… The key to enlightenment, sensei, or at least the very first step, is to be honest with ourselves.”

 

Stepping into the clearing Shikaku caught sight of Hatake Kakashi, sitting cross-legged as if he was some kind of a monk, eyes closed, hands palm upwards on his legs, while Minato worked on making camp and appeared to be attempting to ignore Kakashi completely.

 

“I am being honest with myself.” Minato muttered as he brought his hands together in a seal for the small katon jutsu that would light the fire.

 

“And being honest with ourselves includes admitting that we seduced and took advantage of Kakashi’s beloved drunken sister while his perfectly acceptable alternative girlfriend was in the same room.” Kakashi said, still the perfect image of serenity, despite his words.

 

Minato paused as the fire was lit, turned back to Kakashi, and then proceeded to turn back to the fire and warm his fingers, “We’re focusing on your training, Kakashi-kun, not my love life.”

 

“Doesn’t my training extend beyond the realms of jutsu, sensei?” Kakashi asked, placing a hand on his heart, “Isn’t it your duty to teach me not only to be a ninja but also a human being? One who doesn’t defile the honorable sisters of his own apprentice?”

 

“Defile?!”

 

“Oh, forgive me sensei, I meant sleep with in a blaze of drunken glory.”

 

It was at that point that Shikaku coughed, made his presence known (which they really should have sensed before then but just went to show how distracted Minato was and how… whatever Kakashi was).

 

“Oh, Shikaku, what are you doing here?”

 

Shikaku gave Minato a raised pair of eyebrows, because Minato knew exactly why Shikaku was here, “I ran into Kushina who told me a very interesting story.”

 

Minato flushed, turned back to the fire, and said simply, “Oh, right.”

 

Shikaku stepped in further and took a seat at the campfire as well, giving a nod to Kakashi, “She also, by the way, was all over Lee. Said it was a date.”

 

That got Minato’s attention, “She what?”

 

It wasn’t jealousy, it never had been, but whenever anyone showed any remote interest in Lee… Well, it was times like that when you remembered why Minato was just one step above the rest of them, and why he had the letter S attached to his ranking.

 

“Yeah, and imagine me hearing that you had left Kushina to her own questionable devices so that you could go mope in the Forest of Death.”

 

Minato at least had the decency to look embarrassed, “I’m training Kakashi I’m not…”

 

“Please, sensei, you’re embarrassing me,” Kakashi said, standing fluidly from his position (and really, how was he that graceful as a ten-year-old, that just wasn’t natural) and casually strolled over to take a seat by the campfire.

 

“Kakashi-kun, you need to train for the jonin exams…”

 

Kakashi artfully interrupted, “Which I will not be taking for at least another two years. Have you ever heard of a ten-year-old jonin? Don’t use me as your excuse to avoid the consequences of your atrocious decisions.”

 

Minato gritted his teeth, looked more than a little frustrated (which was sort of par for the course with Kakashi), and then said, “Fine, I’m avoiding them, but can you blame me?”

 

“No, but then, she’s your girlfriend and your…” Shikaku paused, not quite sure what to call Lee, because best friend was certainly applicable, Kushina probably would have said girlfriend, but somehow those didn’t really fit.

 

“Right… I just, if I stay out here then maybe things will go back to normal by the time I get back.”

 

Shikaku considered saying nothing, considered it, but then the words came out anyways, “You were never normal, Minato. It was never going to be normal. You and Lee have been living together since you were five! And sure, you and Kushina started dating but it wasn’t like you and Lee weren’t still… Well, you and Lee. You were always in this weird troublesome threesome thing, it just looks like Kushina was the only ones with the brains to realize it!”

 

“What?” Minato asked, looking stunned.

 

Shikaku threw his hands into the air, “And you know what, now you get to have them both!”

 

“Have them both?! It’s not about…” Minato started, probably offended on the behalf of both Lee and Kushina, which would have been fair if things weren’t already so far out of hand.

 

“Yes, yes it is! My god, Minato, everyone knew already except for you and Lee! And it’s still going to be the same no matter how much time you spend out here, ‘training Kakashi’, or whatever you want to call it. So, get off your ass, appreciate your situation, and go back to Konoha before Kushina really takes advantage of Lee.”

 

Kakashi stood, with the look of a man who has had a horrifying realization, and began manically packing his things as he muttered, “I have been looking for threats in all the wrong directions.”

 

“Uh, Kakashi-kun, where do you think you’re going?” Minato asked, but Kakashi barely spared him a glance.

 

“Forgive me, sensei, for mistaking you for the greatest of evils. I see now that you are only the lesser, misguided, sort and that the true path to darkness lies elsewhere. Please accept my must humble apologies.”

 

Minato’s eyes narrowed, “Kakashi, we’re not done here yet.”

 

Kakashi looked back towards Minato then pointed to Shikaku, “Didn’t you hear what he said?!”

 

Minato sighed, rubbed at the bridge of his nose, “Dammit, Kushina… I just, Lee and I are just friends and I don’t… I don’t want to think of her like that. And, and I don’t want to disrespect Kushina like that either.”

 

“Pretty sure, talking to Kushina and Lee at least, that you didn’t.” Shikaku said, then again Lee had never seemed to understand sex in the first place and Kushina was, well, an Uzumaki.

 

“I was drunk, Shikaku, I was so drunk. I… And I just thought, why not? Why not go for it? What will it hurt? It’s just one night, after all, and maybe none of us will remember it anyways… I shouldn’t have done it, I should’ve just left or… I don’t know.”

 

Shikaku stared at him for a while, and for the umpteenth time that day said his favorite catchword for all situations, “Troublesome, you are so troublesome. You and Lee were never just friends, and you know it. If you had just left then you would have been dancing around each other for five more years until one day it wouldn’t be Kushina pushing you two together, and then where would you be?”

 

Shikaku then stood, reached down, and pulled Minato up with him, “Honestly, Minato, just shut up and deal with it.”

 

* * *

 

“…And so me, along with Kakashi, ended up dragging Minato back into the village where he confronted Lee and Kushina and they all screamed at each other for a little while. Then they went on a few very awkward dates as a trio, some less awkward dates, and well, the rest is history.”

 

Naruto soaked all of that in, blinking, not really sure what to think, then asked, “But wait, how does this help me win back Sakura?”

 

Nara Shikaku, clan head of the Nara clan, jonin commander, gave Naruto a flat look and said, “By praying to the gods that you don’t take after your father.”


	3. Chapter 3

Hari might say, if she was in Naruto’s sandals, that she was beginning to sense a theme somewhere in all of this. That said, Naruto wasn’t Hari, and even if there was this weird underlying theme where he kept somehow bringing up how his moms and his dad all wound up dating and living together and things, Naruto honestly didn’t care.

 

Because, as with the last time, and maybe even the first time, Naruto really really didn’t mean to bring it up.

 

It just…

 

He’d had no choice.

 

Uchiha Sasuke had proven to be more of a despicable bastard than Naruto had thought possible.

 

“Alright Sasuke, do you want the shinobi reboot version of _Die_ _Hard_ , the newer and somehow even more violent shinobi reboot of _Brave Heart_ , the classic shinobi reboot of _Star Wars_ , or else the actual _English_ versions?” 

Sasuke stared unappreciatively at the DVD boxes Hari held up for him as he sat on the couch, inside of Naruto’s home, like he belonged there or something, even as Naruto made no pretense of not glaring at his stupid duck butt hair.

 

“What the hell is a shinobi reboot?”

 

Hari explained, as if he’d asked it in a normal way and wasn’t totally insulting about all of it, which was complete bullshit because the shinobi reboot films were awesome and everyone knew it unless you were a total loser like Sasuke, “Well, back in the day, when mom discovered she was a secret _English_ clan head of two different and exceedingly wealthy clans, she started making requests for D-ranks to refilm and reorient movies from over there into something more shinobi-esq and actually in our language. And at first no one really cared and Kakashi-nii and dad’s old team ended up doing most of the footwork for it along with mom, but then people thought it might be a good way to compare cultural and language differences from _England_ so… Well, it got a lot more legitimate funding. Plus, a lot of upper ranking shinobi like them along with a fair number of civilians, so it’s fairly profitable.”

 

Sasuke scoffed, looking away for a moment, “That’s such a waste of time,”

 

“You’re a waste of time, asshole!” Naruto shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly, or maybe not loudly enough since Sasuke didn’t even respond, just sort of did that moody Uchiha grunt thing.

 

“Now, now, Sasuke, we take television very seriously in this family,” Hari said with a slightly tighter smile than before but continued regardless, “And if you really want to be friends, or dare I say it my boyfriend, then you’re going to have to learn to sit down, shut up, and watch exceedingly violent movies starring Kakashi-nii or else Obito-nii,”

 

Sasuke didn’t say anything, which had Naruto grinding his teeth, all while Hari offered him a rather cheerful smile and said, “Excellent, we’re doing the shinobi version of _Star Wars_ ,”

 

Hari took out the disk, blatantly ignoring Naruto’s growing killer intent and the tension in the room, put it into the DVD player and then sat back on the couch, right in between Sasuke and Naruto, and watched as the opening credits rolled out along with the trumpet fanfare.

 

Naruto, glowering, crawled over Hari and wedged himself in between her and Sasuke, practically daring either of them to protest it.

 

The story of how Sasuke ended up on Naruto’s couch, watching and insulting the best movies ever in Naruto’s house, trying to date Naruto’s only sister, had started about a week earlier.

 

There they were, in the yard of the academy, Naruto staring with longing after Sakura’s pink hair as Shika and Hari engaged in speed shogi, Kiba trying to tell Naruto his latest and greatest prank on Iruka-sensei (which, really, Naruto would normally have been all for that but Sakura’s rejections kept getting to him, plus his dad had told him that since Iruka really was one of the greatest academy teachers ever maybe Naruto should lay off and prank someone he actually disliked instead, like Sasuke or something), and Choji was on like his third bag of chips.

 

Life was great, life was almost perfect, sure Naruto would have liked to maybe have taken Sakura on a real date at that point, or have her at least talk to him, or not scream at him, or not talk about Sasuke, but overall life was pretty good.

 

Then, of course, Uchiha Sasuke had to come over and ruin it completely.

 

All of them looked up as he approached, Hari and Shika even stopping their game halfway through to stare at him as he stared uncomfortably back at all of them.

 

Sasuke, well, Sasuke didn’t really hang out with them. For good reason, because Sasuke was the worst, but at any rate Sasuke didn’t really do the friend thing. As far as Naruto knew he only hung out with his older brother Itachi, and even then Itachi was kind of crazy busy since his mom or dad or something had badgered Lee-kaa into taking him as an apprentice (which Lee-kaa had informed them all that she did not appreciate, which meant that Itachi wouldn’t appreciate it either, because when Lee-kaa was unhappy she made sure that everyone was unhappy).

 

Probably the closest thing he had to actual friends were all the girls that hung around him and gave him lunch all the time, except he kind of treated them like trash, actually he treated everyone like trash.

 

Point being, Sasuke would never, ever, under any circumstances, be seen approaching the likes of them of his own free will.

 

“What are you doing here, bastard?!” Naruto shouted, finally, when it seemed like Sasuke wasn’t going to say anything.

 

And for a moment Sasuke still didn’t say anything, just sort of hesitated, and then shuddered, like he was gathering his will of fire, and then, “Namikaze Hari,”

 

Hari looked up with raised eyebrows, removing her hand from the board, and asked in a slow and rather wary manner, “Yes?”

 

Sasuke held out a bento, a pretty nice one too, with decorated rice balls with faces like Kushina-kaa would sometimes make, and Sasuke’s face grew almost as red as the tomatoes inside, “…”

 

Hari’s eyebrows raised higher, Shika also removed his hand from the board to watch, Choji stopped mid-chip, Kiba was actually quiet, and Naruto… Well, Naruto felt a deep pit of fear growing inside of his stomach.

 

“Yes?” Hari repeated, slower even.

 

“I made you this lunch,”

 

There were great cries of high-pitched anguish all around them, and Naruto looked up to see almost every girl in their class suddenly huddled around them, including Sakura (who hadn’t been there just a moment ago, or maybe Naruto hadn’t been looking or something, but he thought he would have noticed), and all of them looking torn between despair and overwhelming rage directed at his sister.

 

Hari looked over to the box in Sasuke’s hand flatly, and then looked over to her own bento, “Uh, cool, Sasuke… But I already have lunch.”

 

There was dumbfounded silence from everyone for a moment as Sasuke became even more red somehow, his eyebrows pulled down, looking really embarrassed and pretty angry (which would be fine for Naruto because he’d never seen Sasuke embarrassed and it was awesome but he didn’t like what was happening here at all), and he still held out the box.

 

And Kiba at this point had started laughing uncontrollably.

 

“Oh, Sasuke, I’ll take the lunch,” Sakura, batting her eyelids, looking down, and looking really weird, said to Sasuke.

 

“I didn’t make it for you!” Sasuke snapped back, the force of his glare actually seeming to startle Sakura.

 

“Hey, don’t yell at her like that!” Naruto screamed back, really on reflex, since he wasn’t really sure if he’d rather see Sakura with a bento from Sasuke or Hari. Both were terrible, the worst even, and why couldn’t he just pick someone else like Ino to give it to? Naruto could live with Sasuke giving his lunch to bossy Ino.

 

“Shut up, Naruto!” Sakura yelled back at Naruto, all signs of the sweet demure weirdness she’d been trying earlier gone.

 

“Didn’t you hear him?!” Naruto said, motioning to Sasuke, “He can’t just yell at you like that, believe it!”

 

“Oh, Naruto you idiot, this is all your stupid sister’s fault!” Sakura said pointing a finger straight at Hari, who was beginning to get that slightly disturbed and bewildered expression on her face, “She can’t just go around seducing Sasuke and then not taking his lunch! That’s just cruel!”

 

There were several other jeers following this, several by that Ami girl, and maybe one or two from Ino but Naruto really wasn’t paying too much attention by that point.

 

(“…Seducing?” Hari asked, more to Shika than anyone else, “Did I seduce Uchiha Sasuke?”

 

“Apparently,” Shika responded shortly.)

 

And then, even if it was Sakura, Naruto started seeing red, “Don’t you dare talk about my sister like that! It’s not her fault that stupid bastard made her lunch and was too stupid to know she’d already had one made by our mom!”

 

Hari stood then, and everyone took a step back as her eyes cut through the crowd of girls, the air seemed to grow colder somehow and the ground less stable, and even Naruto couldn’t help but feel a small sliver of fear inch its way through his heart.

 

“Sasuke,” Hari said, walking over to him, and Sasuke nodded slowly, “Thank you for the lunch,”

 

Hari took the bento from Sasuke’s hands and added, “It was very sweet of you and it looks delicious,”

 

Sasuke didn’t say anything, just nodded hesitantly, and Hari smiled back at him, their dad’s thin ‘I am displeased but will offer you this pleasant expression because this is what I do when I’m terrifyingly angry’, “Now, Sasuke, was there any particular reason why you wanted to make me lunch today?”

 

Sasuke stared for a moment, opened his mouth, and said, “… Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

 

And Naruto’s world stopped for a moment, and he thought, maybe I’m dreaming, because this can’t really be happening. The world isn’t this cruel, the world is a nice place, and sure there are problems here and there but…

 

Hari’s smile took on that terrifying edge of Lee-kaa’s now, anticipatory and blood thirsty, “Sure, Sasuke, I’ll gladly be your girlfriend,”

 

And Naruto’s world shattered completely.

 

And it was still shattered, almost a week later, sitting in between Hari and Sasuke with arms crossed watching as dad as Obi-wan Kenobi told Obito-nii as Luke Skywalker about how he was one of the last shinobi left and that they now had no choice but to go and help Princess Leia played by Rin.

 

“Naruto, do you mind moving slightly?” Hari asked, “My leg’s falling asleep.”

 

“No, I’m not moving!” Naruto said only for Sasuke to scoff under his breath, “Moron,”

 

“Sasuke, that is my brother you’re insulting, you do know that, right?” Hari said, that cheerfully dangerous smile back in place.

 

Sasuke didn’t say anything, just turned his head away slightly and pouted, again leaving Naruto to just grind his teeth and want to yell at him. The trouble was yelling at Sasuke or even trying to punch him in the face didn’t do anything. Sasuke always kept crawling back, like a cockroach or something, like he didn’t care what Naruto said or did or any of that.

 

He didn’t even really seem to care what Hari did, they went out for ramen (which somehow inconceivably Sasuke didn’t even like), Hari played shogi with him which again he didn’t even like, and now they were watching films which Sasuke didn’t even like.

 

(Although, maybe Sasuke just disliked everything, Naruto had yet to hear him talk about anything he actually enjoyed.)

 

If he dated Ino or something they’d probably do whatever Sasuke wanted. Granted, after Sasuke had asked Hari to be his girlfriend suddenly all the girls seemed to be keeping their distance, he got a lot less homemade bentos for one thing, but still surely one of them would take him up on it.

 

It was about half-way through the film that he heard the door open and then close again, and turning his head he caught a glimpse of Kakashi-nii’s gray hair. More importantly, the first real glimpse he’d had of Kakashi-nii in weeks.

 

Naruto stood, turning to Sasuke and glaring, poking him in the chest and said, “Don’t you even think of trying anything,”

 

Then Naruto scrambled into the other room, “Kakashi-nii, Kakashi-nii, I have a huge problem!”

 

“Well, hello to you too, Naruto, how’s the weather these days?” Kakashi asked with his usual nonchalance and casual slouch, and normally Naruto would ask him about whatever mission had had him gone so long this time, or what he’d been up to, but Naruto didn’t have time for that.

 

“That bastard Sasuke’s trying to date Hari!”

 

“Itachi’s brother?” Kakashi asked, and peered into the other room at the pair of them before looking down at Naruto with a sort of musing expression, “He doesn’t appear to be getting very far,”

 

Not if he knew what was good for him he wouldn’t.

 

“I need to break them up or something get everything back to the way it was so that stupid Sasuke can just date someone else! Except Sakura, he can’t date her either, believe it!”

 

Kakashi nodded slowly, musing, and said to Naruto, “Walk with me, Naruto,”

 

That was Kakashi and Lee-kaa code for, let’s go somewhere and discuss very serious things together like very serious people, and with it Kakashi steered Naruto towards the kitchen and the kitchen table.

 

“Now, unfortunately, this time you have come to the absolutely wrong source,” Kakashi said as they reached the table.

 

“What?” Naruto asked, because Kakashi-nii always seemed like an expert on everything ever, well, when he wasn’t being what Obito-nii called a ‘total space cadet’.

 

“You see, while I may be a guru of love I am decidedly not a guru of break ups,” Kakashi said as he sat down, “As evidenced by your sister’s existence,”

 

“What?” Naruto repeated, eyes bugging larger, not even sure what that meant at all because Kakashi-nii loved Hari and Naruto, they were practically family, so he’d never really say anything like that.

 

“So, you see, Naruto, I can tell you how not to break up Hari and Sasuke, but otherwise…”

 

Naruto cut him off, “What do you mean about Hari?!”

 

“Oh, well, I tried to break up your father and mother,” Kakashi said with a blink, waving it off, “That was years ago, though, before you were even born, right around the time that Rin and Obito also became your father’s students, certainly before Lee-nee and Minato-sensei’s relationship cemented itself past the point of no return.”

 

“You tried to break up dad and mom?! Why?”

 

Kakashi-nii considered that slowly with a musing sort of expression, then said, “Well, that’s a very long and complicated story, Naru,”

 

“I have time!” Naruto said, slamming his hands on the table, the will of fire burning so strongly at that point that it was almost overpowering

 

“Well, it all started back when Uzumaki Kushina drunkenly seduced not only the otherwise responsible Minato-sensei but also my beloved and all but adopted older sister, Eru Lee…”

 

And then Naruto realized that somehow, again, he’d inadvertently asked another question about his parents’ love lives.

 

* * *

 

Uchiha Obito showed up a half hour late to his own post-graduation genin exam, wearing orange lined goggles looking like a complete fool, and then, when he’d finally arrived at the training field, it was to the embarrassed and entirely lame excuse of, “Sorry, Minato-sensei, I just lost track of time helping grandmother with the groceries and…”

 

And Kakashi had to hand it to him, Uchiha Obito had balls.

 

Kakashi, having been through this song and dance a few times now (one of the wonderful things about being the village’s tiniest genin and then tiniest chunin was that you got shifted around quite a bit, because no twelve year old fresh out of the academy brat was willing to take you seriously or get over themselves when they found out that yes you really were a chunin and that wasn’t just a token thing, as a result Kakashi had had quite a few senseis and teammates before he’d finally landed with Minato-sensei), took these things far less seriously than your average genin but even he, when assigned to his first team, hadn’t dared anything close to what Obito was now.

 

He was pretty certain even Lee-nee wouldn’t, of course, according to Jiraiya-sama, Lee did do her best to drive him half-insane unintentionally so perhaps that didn’t count.

 

“It’s alright Obito,” Minato-sensei said with a somewhat reassuring smile, “Just… Try not to let it happen again, alright?”

 

“Right!” Obito said with the dumbest grin Kakashi had ever seen on anyone’s face, ever, well, except perhaps Lee-nee’s but Lee-nee’s dumb grins had a certain terrifying charm to them.

 

As Minato-sensei apparently was very well aware, Kakashi couldn’t help but add bitterly to himself.

 

Which really brought up what Kakashi was most concerned about today, as Minato-sensei began to diligently explain the rules of what he called the bell test, strapping two silver bells to his waist.

 

For one thing, whatever test Minato-sensei had for them wasn’t really for Kakashi. Kakashi was five years out of the academy, a chunin, and would probably be shoved into the jonin exams at the village’s convenience.

 

The threat of sending Kakashi back to the academy was almost laughable.

 

Of course, Minato-sensei could punt him off onto someone else, send him back home to his father even now that he wasn’t in the field as much and had time to take Kakashi on as an apprentice. But Minato-sensei had been teaching him for some time now, and they worked well together, and more he’d given absolutely no sign of dumping Kakashi at the nearest convenience.

 

So, Kakashi didn’t have to worry about the latest round of sensei-shuffle.

 

No, this was a test for Uchiha Obito and Nohara Rin, or rather, how well he could manage to work with them and them with him. Which, given that they were all actually the same age this time (Kakashi’s academy class finally having managed to graduate most of its members), it had a chance of actually working this time.

 

Which, Kakashi wasn’t opposed to it, he couldn’t really remember much about his brief time in the academy or the people in it but he didn’t remember actively disliking anyone in particular, so again no harm there.

 

No, what Kakashi instead chose to focus on, as Obito declared something about being the future hokage and charged at Minato-sensei like a complete idiot (an idiot with nerves of steel but an idiot none the less) and while Rin disappeared into the foliage like something less of an idiot (but still an idiot because if Minato-sensei wanted to he could hunt her down and destroy her and letting Obito play meat shield for her was not going to get her far at all), was something far more personal and non-work related in nature.

 

Namely, the fact that Minato-sensei had had a drunken threesome with Lee-nee and was now dating her, along with Uzumaki Kushina, at the same goddamn time.

 

“Kakashi, aren’t you going to try and get a bell?” Minato-sensei asked, and Kakashi spared him a glance, noting that Obito had been summarily thrown into the river and that Rin was attempting to be subtle in the underbrush but was doing so at a miserable genin level.

 

“Hm, I’m thinking on it,” Kakashi offered, to which Minato-sensei stared.

 

“You’re thinking on it?” Minato-sensei said, in a deadpan tone that Kakashi was rather familiar with at this point.

 

“Much the same way you thought about having drunken sex with my honorable sister,”

 

Minato-sensei looked entirely displeased and put-out, “Kakashi, there is a time and place for personal matters…”

 

“Oh, I’m fully aware of that sensei, but you see, since this test is practically designed to have me at Rin and Obito’s throats, sabotaging their chances of stealing bells from you and hauling my tiny chunin ass back to the academy, I figure there’s some underlying theme that I haven’t thought of yet… Namely because I keep thinking of how you took complete advantage of my sister after having her binge drink sake,”

 

Kakashi offered the silent and entirely unamused Mianto-sensei a charming smile, to which Minato-sensei responded by kicking out at Kakashi and forcing him to backtrack into the underbrush with Rin as he shouted, “Learn to compartmentalize!”

 

And right about then Obito hauled himself out of the river, shouted something about not giving up, and was thrown right back in.

 

Right, well, Kakashi looked over to where Rin was, eyes wide as she stared at him, as if by looking at him she could get him to move somewhere else and quit distracting her from somehow coming up with a plan to get the bells.

 

Clearly, these two weren’t getting it.

 

Kakashi sighed and raked a hand through his hair, it seemed it couldn’t be helped, he was going to have to sabotage the underlying point of this entire exercise. It wasn’t to ruin Minato-sensei’s day, or anything, it was for teamwork…

 

And friendship.

 

Focusing his chakra Kakashi shunshinned over to the river, settling into a cross legged position on top of the water, just in time for Obito be thrown in for the third time in a row, “Yo, Obito, you look as if you’ve run into a few roadblocks,”

 

Obito spluttered, his head breaking the surface, and offered Kakashi a truly withering glare, “Who asked you, Bakashi?!”

 

Oh, Bakashi, Kakashi the dumbass, that was extremely good.

 

Kakashi was suddenly finding himself less unwillingly impressed and more actually impressed by Uchiha Obito. They could work on the whole shouting about being hokage thing and charging head first into certain death later.

 

“Well, no one asked, per se, but I couldn’t help but notice that you at the very least needed some pointers,” Kakashi said in what he thought was the politest way of going about it but seemed to do nothing to ease Obito’s nerves.

 

“If you think I’m going to team up with you and send Rin back to the academy you have another thing coming!” Obito said, huh, he and Rin hadn’t seemed like friends earlier, casual acquaintances at best really…

 

Kakashi held up his hands in defense, “Maa, maa, Obito, I’d never dream of it. In fact, if we manage to get the bells, feel free to give the other one to Rin,”

 

“…Really?” Obito asked, eyes narrowed, “Why would you do something like that?”

 

“There’s a few reasons,” Kakashi said, glancing over at where Minato-sensei was busily kicking the shit out of Nohara Rin, who had stayed in the underbrush, officially making her dumber than Obito, “One, is that I’m severely put out with Minato-sensei at the moment and throwing a wrench into his schemes would just about make my day.”

 

“What’s that even supposed to mean?” Obito squawked as he tried to stay afloat by treading water, a little difficult to do in shinobi equipment.

 

Kakashi continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “Second, I actually think I like you, I can’t speak for Rin as we have yet to have any real heart to heart but I’m actually enjoying talking to you,”

 

“Oh, uh, thanks…” Obito said, now looking very out of sorts and like he had no idea at all what to say.

 

“And finally, as I graduated so inconceivably early I never sat through the sexual education lecture… I hear it was important.”

 

Obito spluttered, his head falling under the water, and began truly flailing, so much so that Kakashi had to pull him back up. As soon as Obito’s head broke the surface Kakashi continued, “Now, with that, I say we go find Rin and drag her out of whatever crater Minato-sensei has left her in, and then haul ass back into the village, hopefully manage to find my sister, and convince her to get the bells for us.”

 

“You’re…Are you insane?” Obito asked, looking very out of breath and bewildered by all of this.

 

“I think one of the key points of insanity is that I would not be able to tell the difference. Plus, they say trying the same thing over and over again, as you were doing just now, and expecting different results is a clear form of mental instability. Regardless, Minato-sensei is a jonin, not only a jonin, but a very good one. There’s no way in hell that all of us, even working together, are taking those bells from him. Thus, if we want to win, we must think outside of the box a little.”

 

“And cheat?”

 

“Yes, and cheat.” Kakashi concurred, and before Obito could disagree, Kakashi hauled him out of the water, broke into a sprint back to where Rin was last, and set the great half-baked plan into motion.

 

Hopefully he’d manage to find Lee-nee quickly, before Minato-sensei went from mildly curious to actually frustrated and bordering on upset.

 

* * *

 

“Wait, so you’re pissed because Minato-sensei slept with your sister,” A still drenched and extremely bruised Uchiha Obito said, completely ignoring his bowl of ramen in favor of interrogating Kakashi.

 

They unfortunately hadn’t managed to find Lee-nee, she’d probably left the village again sometime the night before, which Kakashi really should have counted on given that a war was going on and Lee-nee was one of the most accomplished if one of the youngest field jonin in the village.

 

It was probably for the best anyways, given that Minato-sensei had been trailing them the entire time with ease, since Kakashi was kind of slowed down by two completely oblivious academy graduates.

 

At the very least he was getting ramen out of it.

 

“Well, to be fair, everyone saw that coming years ago,” Kakashi noted, although even then he’d probably be mildly upset by all of it. He didn’t like sharing Lee with Minato, or rather, Minato loaning Lee to him and his father.

 

Minato had been gone for at least a year, Kakashi’s earlier memories didn’t have that much of Namikaze Minato in them, training with Jiraiya all over the elemental nations, and then suddenly he came back and it was like they’d only borrowed Lee from him. Like it was this great honor and deal that she could spare a few hours of her free time to spend with Kakashi and his father rather than Namikaze Minato.

 

Kakashi, frankly, had never thought that was very fair.

 

Even then, Minato had added unwitting insult to injury in dating Uzumaki Kushina. It wasn’t that Kakashi had a problem with Kushina, he liked her well enough, but Minato couldn’t date Kushina and demand Lee’s time and attention like that at the same time. More, anyone could see that Lee, well, she felt a lot for Minato. Maybe she felt too much for him, given that he seemed to feel the same way except not, because he ended up dating Kushina.

 

Still, even that was fine, more or less.

 

But then Minato-sensei crossed the line and drunkenly slept with both of them at the same time, taking all of that overwhelming feeling Lee had for him and just… using it.

 

“No, my problem is that Minato-sensei took advantage of my drunk sister and his girlfriend, at the same time,” Kakashi said pleasantly, and then ate another mouthful of delicious noodles, noting how nice they tasted even with the thought of Minato-sensei’s unforgivable behavior still pounding inside of his skull.

 

“…Well, damn,” Obito summarized.

 

“And then, he had the nerve to take me on a training trip, so that he didn’t have to think about what he did, leaving my sister in the lecherous hands of Uzumaki Kushina,” Kakashi added, also pleasantly, because Kakashi had never quite reached the level of true rage. No, he would stay passive aggressive, for now, it seemed best.

 

“That is… I’m sorry, Kakashi,” Rin said, not really looking sorry so much as looking like she had no idea what to say, and also extremely bruised and covered in foliage and dirt.

 

“Yes, well, point being that I’m not exactly pleased with the turn of events,” Kakashi said, putting it rather mildly, as he finished his bowl.

 

After all, perhaps even worse than all of that was the fact that Minato-sensei was now dating both Lee-nee and Kushina at the same time, going so far as to take her to actual restaurants and planning to go to festivals.

 

Really, the man had absolutely no shame.

 

“So… uh, Kakashi, do you have any other ideas since your sister doesn’t seem to be around right now?” Rin asked, and at once Obito’s face paled as he seemed to remember that they were in the middle of their genin exam, except that they’d left and gone to have lunch instead since Obito and Rin had taken Minato-sensei far too seriously and forgone breakfast.

 

“Oh, right, well, considering Minato-sensei’s been right behind us the entire time I’d say it’s moot point,” Kakashi said, and Rin and Obito leapt back as Minato took a seat next to them with a rather thin smile of his own.

 

“Well, I suppose I should tell you now that you all pass,” Minato said, raising his hand and then ordering his own bowl of ramen.

 

“Wait, we pass?” Obito asked and then added, “How? None of us got close to getting any of the bells! Kakashi didn’t even try!”

 

“The point wasn’t the bells, it was working together as a team, and knowing that there are more important things in life than exams and even missions. You all worked together, even though I had the power to send you back to the academy, to block your career as a ninja. More, you recognized what you were capable of, that you weren’t capable of defeating a jonin, even working together, and sought an outside source,”

 

“But that was all Kakashi’s…” Rin started only to be cut off by Minato.

 

“Yes, well, you listened,” Minato said before adding in a darker tone, “However, that said, Kakashi, I do not appreciate you instilling bad habits into my new students or your complete and utter failure to compartmentalize,”

 

Kakashi considered that, for a moment, and thought about bowing his head in shame and apologizing. He truly did, if only for his own health and wellbeing, but what came out of his mouth was, “I do not appreciate your complete and utter failure to keep it in your pants,”

 

And then Kakashi was sprinting as fast as he could out of there only just slapping down too large of a bill to pay for his food.

 

It didn’t help.

 

* * *

 

Still, it was after that, icing his bruises (far worse than Obito’s and Rin’s and that was saying something) at home, under the disapproving and exasperated gaze of his father, that the solution, the only solution, came to Kakashi.

 

“I have to break them up,” Kakashi said, almost in wonder, at how simple that sentence sounded and how complicated it truly was, “I have to break up, nee-san and Minato-sensei,”

 

His father rubbed a hand over his eyes, a rather familiar gesture for when Kakashi pushed a little too far, and sighed, “Oh, Kashi, perhaps you should just let them be…”

 

“You can’t tell me you agree with all of this,” Kakashi said, lowering his ice-pack momentarily to stare accusingly at his father.

 

“I can’t say I approve of how this all started, no, but that said… They’re happy together, more or less, and Lee’s happy. I think this might be for the best,”

 

The best, really, with Lee as this eternal third-wheel sex buddy to make Kushina and Minato’s relationship that much smoother. Concerned about Lee and Minato’s unnaturally deep bond, why worry, just have drunk sex with her, date her, and it will all smooth over! All those legitimate problems you had will instantly disappear, and you’ll have a harem too!

 

No, clearly, the question was instead how to go about it.

 

“What do you suggest, father?”

 

He could go up and tell Lee-nee, tell her his concerns, but Lee wasn’t the main actor in this but rather the passive pursued party. At the end of things, while she had a say, she wouldn’t truly act on it as she saw this being what Minato wanted or else needed.

 

He could try to get someone else to seduce Minato-sensei away from her, of course, Kushina was there for that, and clearly that wasn’t working out that well.

 

Then he could settle for the truly terrible option, trying to find someone to seduce Lee instead, and distract her away from Minato and Kushina. Which was… Well, he couldn’t remember Lee-nee ever expressing interest in anyone like that.

 

That was going to be very difficult.

 

“Honestly, Kashi, let them be. Perhaps it won’t work out on its own, and if it does, then perhaps it was meant to be, in some form or another,”

 

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it,” Kakashi said, placing the ice pack back on his face, and allowing the cogs in his brain to whir away, scheme precious schemes, and dream precious dreams.

 

* * *

 

The first day off they had, after rescuing cats and painting fences and doing all those wonderful D-rank activities Kakashi hadn’t really missed, Kakashi was up bright and early on Uchiha Obito’s doorstep knocking perhaps a bit too loudly on the door.

 

Eventually, an elderly Uchiha civilian woman opened it, probably Obito’s infamous grandmother whose cat he’d had to rescue from a tree no less than four times that week.

 

“Hello, can I help you, young man?”

 

Kakashi blinked up and put on his most charming expression, “Hello, I’m Hatake Kakashi, I’m Obito’s genin teammate, and I was wondering if he was free at all today,”

 

“Oh, Kakashi-kun, Obito’s told me a bit about you. Please, step inside,” Granny Obito said in delight, ushering him inside, “You’re a bit young to be a chunin though,”

 

“Well, I am very talented,” Kakashi said, this time in mild embarrassment as he stepped in through the doorway and removed his sandals, “But I’m very excited to have new teammates. For a while it was just me as Minato-sensei’s apprentice.”

 

Granny Obito practically beamed, “Obito’s very excited too, was so happy to pass his exams and even be put onto the same team as Rin-chan, he’s always had a little crush on her,”

 

“Really?” Kakashi asked, wondering if he shouldn’t stop by this place more often, if only to gather free intelligence on one of his new teammates.

 

It was a small home, one of the smaller in the Uchiha quarter, and from what Kakashi could see and the scents he could pick up, it was only Obito and his grandmother that lived here. There was a certain homely minimalist touch to the place, small sentimental trinkets that had probably been owned by Obito’s father or mother, but not enough to overwhelm the house or that much compared to Kakashi’s own home.

 

This wasn’t a home of someone from the main branch, it lacked the history of a clan head’s home, but instead someone always on the periphery of the clan, belonging, but not quite. And for all the warmth it held, for all that Obito’s grandmother clearly loved him, there was no disguising that fact.  

 

“Oh yes, he’s liked little Nohara Rin practically since he started at the academy. Only he was so shy he never said anything to her,” Granny Obito said as she ushered and clucked Kakashi into taking a seat in her kitchen before she pitter pattered over to the stove.

 

Kakashi immediately perked up, his father, having been in ANBU for most of his adult life, had learned to cook practically rather than well, and Lee-nee lived on a diet of cheap fast food, so Kakashi rarely if ever got a decent well tasting meal or anything as wonderful as a homemade breakfast.

 

Clearly, this had been Kakashi’s greatest idea ever and he was going to have to become best friends with Obito’s grandmother.

 

“Do you want breakfast, Kakashi-kun? Obito isn’t quite up yet and I was already starting to make some for him,” she said, even as she began cracking and frying eggs, clearly intending to make Kakashi breakfast regardless of what Kakashi wanted.

 

“Oh, if it’s no trouble Uchiha-san,”

 

“Not at all, Kakashi-kun,” Obito’s grandmother said, still beaming at him and clearly thinking he was the most adorable thing she’d ever seen, “You’re clearly a very sweet boy and I’m so glad you’ve become friends with Obito so quickly,” 

 

Kakashi grinned, was about to respond that it was indeed no trouble at all, and that Kakashi actually liked Obito when the boy in question made an appearance in the kitchen, yawning, and then stopped and stared directly at Kakashi.

 

He blinked, stared again, and then shouted, “What are you doing here?!”

 

“Well, we had the day off, and what better way to spend it than with a friend and comrade?” Kakashi said with that same smile that was so charming to Obito’s grandmother but so clearly off-putting to Obito himself.

 

“Oh, Obito, your teammate Kakashi-kun came to see you,” Obito’s grandmother added, “You didn’t tell me how nice he was,”

 

Obito paled, his eyes darting back and forth from Kakashi to his grandmother, and then slowly and uncertainly he took his seat quietly at the table. Clearly, Obito had made the wise decision not to contradict his grandmother.

 

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t like I was expecting him to show up…” Obito muttered, staring down at the table.

 

“Now, now, Obito, I’ll try to tell you ahead of time next time but I just had to come over and meet your wonderful grandmother. After all, you talk about her so very much,” Kakashi said, watching as Obito’s eyes widened dramatically.

 

“Really? Obito, talks about me?” Obito’s grandmother asked as she slipped the fried eggs onto beds of rice.

 

“Oh yes, all the time Uchiha-san, we hear the most hilarious stories about your troublesome cat,” Kakashi said, ignoring the sound Obito’s head made as it hit the table, or the groaning mortified sound that was coming from his throat.

 

“Why are you doing this to me?” Obito asked, more rhetorically than anything else.

 

But breakfast was served and Kakashi digged in with relish, had delightful conversations with Obito’s wonderful grandmother, and all in all had a great time. He was going to have to spend every morning off coming here.

 

Eventually though, once the dishes were cleared and put away, Obito made some rather stammering and awkward excuse about wanting to get a spar in with Kakashi (which was adorable because Kakashi would absolutely crush him like an ant under his sandal) and dragged Kakashi out of the house.

 

Then, “How the hell do you know where I live?!”

 

Kakashi’s eyebrows raised, and then he said, “Well, I am something of a tracker-nin, if I couldn’t find where you lived I’d be embarrassed. But that’s not really what you care about, Obito. You want to know why I’ve come to see you on this fine Saturday morning.”

 

“Fine, what do you want?”

 

Kakashi leveled Obito with a far more serious look and opened the scroll that he’d attached to his waist, “I’ve recently come to the conclusion that my sister, Minato-sensei, and perhaps Uzumaki Kushina cannot be left to their own devices,”

 

He laid the scroll flat so that Obito could see, Obito leaning over him and narrowing his eyes as he tried to make out the characters in the early morning sunlight.

 

“After much debating and much thinking, I’ve decided it would be best to distract Lee-nee with someone else. Unfortunately, my sister is rather picky and has difficulty remembering most people exist let alone like them.”

 

“Nara Shikaku…” Obito read slowly, “What is this?”

 

“This is the product of one sleepless night and me thinking back on every adult jonin I’ve ever met. Namely, all those that I could potentially see Lee-nee has shown even mild interest in, and who seem to like her well enough more or less.”

 

More or less was a very broad term in this case, because as Kakashi had discovered as he’d tried thinking this through, there really weren’t that many candidates.

 

Namikaze Minato was the obvious (if patently wrong) choice for this sort of a thing, but beyond him…

 

“Unfortunately, after even further thought, most of these men are not truly suitable,” Kakashi said with a sigh and began to move his finger successively next to each name as he listed them off, “Nara Shikaku has begun a somewhat serious relationship with a tokebetsu jonin named Yoshino, and more, has far too much respect for Minato-sensei and practicality to try and date Lee-nee. Orochimaru, while certainly powerful enough to be not too intimidated, despises Lee-nee and has made it no small secret that he’d dissect her at any given opportunity. Jiraiya-sama is Lee’s sensei and that would be about the closest thing to incest either of them could get to, the same applies to my own father. The English shinobi, while he seems more or less fond of Lee is also opportunistic, manipulative, loyal to the village when it suits his own needs, and on the whole far too deplorable to even consider seriously. Dead Last is more like a sibling to Lee than anything else, and has had too much exposure to Lee to ever consider forming a romantic relationship with her. Shodaime-sama sees Lee too much like one of his own grandchildren. And this leaves us with only one true candidate…”

 

They reached the final name on the list, and Obito’s eyes grew impossibly wider, and he shouted it, “Senju Tobirama, the nidaime?!”

 

Unlike his brother, the nidaime had never seemed to see Lee as his own child or grandchild, even as he’d watched her grow up. And for all that he could grow annoyed with her it was clear that deep down he liked Eru Lee, that she even reminded him of his own brother. More, Lee had not only perfected some of the nidaime’s own techniques, but invented hundreds of her own that the nidaime had spent many years emulating.

 

There was true potential there, or at least, the exhausted Kakashi who had been desperately looking for opportunities at three a.m. had thought so.

 

“But he’s… He’s ancient!”

 

“I don’t know if he actually ages,” Kakashi pointed out, certainly from the photographs or the carved face on the mountainside he didn’t look nearly as old as he should have, or as dead as he should have but that was an entirely different matter.

 

“And he’s the nidaime!” Obito exclaimed again, then took a deep breath, and said in a sort of shaky voice, “You’re trying to set up your sister with the nidaime… I’m still sleeping, it’s the only explanation.”

 

“Only if reality itself is a figment of your over productive imagination,” Kakashi supplied, “Regardless, if this is going to work I’m probably going to need a wingman.”

 

“The hell is a wingman?”

 

“You know, the right-hand man in any buddy-story, to go on daring adventures with or in this case scheme and enact schemes with,” Kakashi explained before adding, “That, and, it’s struck me that I may need one of the rational masses for help with this sort of thing.”

 

Obito stared at him for a moment, then said, slowly, “Bakashi, you really are a dumbass.”

 

Kakashi blinked, rolled the scroll back up, and then said, “If you help me with this I’ll help you go on a date with Rin,”

 

Obito thought about that for only two seconds, then, “Deal,”

 

* * *

 

Step one was simple, step one barely needed any planning at all.

 

Step one was just planting the seeds.

 

For the first time in weeks Lee was back in the house, having dinner with them again, and explaining the latest and greatest news in her threesome adventures, “Well, Minato wants to go out to fancy sushi or something in the next couple of weekends. Kushina wasn’t really all that impressed but apparently dating requires fancy sushi or at least fancy barbeque every other month or so at the very least. Personally, I have no real opinions, which I guess means I’m going out for fancy sushi sometime in the coming month.”

 

Kushina, Kakashi wasn’t entirely sure when Uzumaki had become Kushina. It had to have been recent, because certainly before the incident Uzumaki Kushina had been a peripheral friend at best for Lee-nee.

 

“And it’s going well, then?” Kakashi’s father asked, before adding an almost hesitant, “You’re happy with everything.”

 

Lee considered that for a moment before nodding slowly, “Yes, I’m happy with everything, and I think it’s going well. A bit strangely, perhaps a tad surreal but… well.”

 

“What about you Kashi, Minato said you finally got some other teammates,” Lee asked, taking a bite of marinated vegetables as she did so.

 

“Oh, they’re great, much better than I expected. Obito and I have become great friends,”

 

“Really?”

 

Kakashi wondered if he should be insulted that both Lee and his father looked completely stunned by that.

 

“Yes, we’re mostly doing D-ranks right now but things should pick up soon.”

 

Lee’s face took on a strangely green cast, “Yes, well, I wouldn’t be too eager for those C-ranks if I were you. They are the absolute worst in every way possible,”

 

Strangely enough, Kakashi had yet to have a C-ranked mission as terrible as Lee’s infamous C-ranked missions had been. Of course, every mission Lee seemed to go on became unnaturally complicated.

 

“Anyways, Obito told me something interesting the other day that he learned in the academy,” Kakashi started, which was patently untrue as Kakashi had known this for some time but had never felt the need to bring it up, “It turns out, back when the nidaime was alive for the first time, he had a _light_ _saber_.”

 

Lee set down her chop sticks, a look of potent interest dawning on her features, “What?”

 

“Well, I don’t know much about it besides that, but it certainly sounded like one.” Kakashi said, and patiently waited for the trap to shut closed.

 

“…He never told me he was a space ninja.” Lee said slowly, the considered this again, “I’m going to have to talk to him.”

 

“You should try the shinobi library, this weekend, I hear he spends a lot of time there,”

 

More importantly, he spent a lot of time there and tomorrow was Kakashi’s day off so he could observe the progress and intervene as necessary.

 

“Yes, yes, that’s a great idea, Kakashi,”

 

And Kakashi smiled pleasantly to himself as it all began to spin into motion, step one, completed with ease.

 

* * *

 

Step two, was a little more outside of his control, which made him more than a little nervous.

 

“So… What exactly are we looking for here?” Obito, Kakashi’s unenthusiastic wingman, stared over at the nidaime a bit too blatently over the cover of a book that he clearly wasn’t reading.

 

Not that the nidaime noticed, too engrossed in whatever book he happened to be reading to even pay attention to his surroundings, or well, to the unthreatening chakra signatures of small genin.

 

“A spark, a connection…” And there would be one, Kakashi was certain of it, he just needed it to take root before things with Minato-sensei went too far.

 

And there she was, walking through the library directly for the nidaime’s table, and this, apparently, was enough for Senju Tobirama to lift his head and refocus on his surroundings.

 

“You have a _light saber_ ,” Lee began without preamble, taking a seat across from the nidaime, and giving him a rather large and disconcerting grin.

 

“…I have no idea what that is,”

 

“Only the most awesome and space worthy sword the shinobi world has ever seen,”

 

The nidaime blinked, then seemed to realize what Lee was saying, “Oh, right, the sword. Well, I haven’t seen it since I died, so I’m afraid I won’t be much help with that. Is that all you wanted?”

 

“Well, yes, but it’s also been a while so since I’m here… What are you working on?”

 

“Fuinjutsu,” the nidaime said shortly before giving her something of a glare, “I’m trying to replicate your ability to jump through dimensions, if you must know,”

 

Lee nodded slowly, “That sounds hard,”

 

The nidaime sighed, rubbed a hand through white hair, and said, “It’s exceedingly difficult, as most worthwhile things are.”

 

Lee didn’t look as if she was going to say anything to this, and the nidaime bent down to continue working, which…

 

That couldn’t happen, the nidaime had to realize that for all of Lee’s casualness and strangeness, she was intuitively brilliant and probably could keep up with him on any subject. Especially those concerning traversing time and space itself.

 

More, the nidaime needed to be reminded that Lee wasn’t twelve anymore, that she was a twenty-year-old woman, and that however much older the nidaime was he didn’t look it or act it.

 

Kakashi motioned for Obito to stay where he was and wandered over to the table with a giant grin of his own, “Hello, nee-san, nidame-sama,”

 

“Oh, hey Kakashi, don’t you have training or something?” Lee asked, eyebrows raised.

 

“Minato-sensei gave us the day off today, and Obito and I decided to get some research in while we were here.” Kakashi said, and then with that same bright smile, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation just now though,”

 

“I’d hardly call it a conversation,” Lee said slowly, her eyebrows now furrowing as she looked at Kakashi, trying to read behind his words.

 

“Hatake-san, if you don’t mind, I am trying to work and…”

 

“Why don’t you ask Lee-nee’s opinion?” Kakashi asked, “She, after all, is an expert in time-space jutsus and theorization.”

 

The nidaime lifted his head once again and offered Kakashi a patented unamused look, then with a sigh he looked over to Lee and said, “Well, Lee-san, what are your opinions?”

 

Lee frowned, moved the paper the nidaime had been writing notes on, and slowly flipped through them, one at a time, then flipped through them again with a look of concentration, then said, “This isn’t how I think of space and time…”

 

Lee then created a piece of paper for herself out of thin air along with a ballpoint pen, then began to sketch on it, “I know I haven’t asked you much about the hiraishin and how that works, even though Minato’s been working on recreating it for himself as well, but time and space are not these separate entities. If time is separate at all it is a fourth dimension…”

 

Lee then went onto explain several theories of time and space conjectured by men who came from her own dimension. She talked about general and special relativity, the equivalency of matter and energy and the speed limits of the universe itself, then moved onto other, seemingly less relevant laws of reality and how they’d changed over the decades.

 

And the nidaime’s expression had changed from one of annoyance to one of intrigue, as he debated with her, asking questions and poking holes in the theories Lee had presented with his own experiences, which Lee then would address with an explanation of her own.

 

And soon enough, it was as if Kakashi wasn’t there at all.

 

Obito, when Kakashi sauntered his way back with a smug grin, stared at him in amazement, “… You’re good,”

 

“I am the guru of love,” Kakashi agreed, taking his seat and picking up his book again, being sure to keep the nidaime and Lee in his peripheral vision.

 

For a moment Obito just stared openly at the pair, not even bothering to try and hide behind a book, then said, “You’ve got to help me get a date with Rin,”

 

* * *

 

And soon enough Kakashi wasn’t even sure he needed a step three at all.

 

Which was strange, because Kakashi had thought either the nidaime or Lee would have been more apprehensive, or at the very least they would have been more grating on each other’s personalities. And true, they did seem to argue with each other quite a bit, but it seemed to be over theoretical things rather than anything more personal.

 

And they started seeking each other out, having lunch together, and true they mostly talked about theories or the nidaime would ask for advice or opinions.

 

But goddammit Kakashi was going to take it.

 

At least, he thought he was, until the night of the fancy sushi dinner arrived.

 

Lee was standing on the doorstep, having father inspect her kimono to see if it was fancy enough for fancy tuna, before she made her way over to Minato’s and Kushina’s and then off to the restaurant.

 

She looked beautiful, and Kakashi was panicking, he was panicking hard.

 

So, he said the first thing that came to mind, “Nee-san, you look terrible. You simply can’t go looking like that!”

 

Lee looked down at her outfit then back at Kakashi, “Really? I don’t know, your dad seems to think it looks nice,”

 

“Dad is old, and he hasn’t been on a date since dating my mother. And he has terrible fashion sense!” Kakashi said as he pointed accusingly at his father.

 

“Ignore him, Lee, go and have fun with Minato and Kushina and try not to get into too much trouble,”

 

Lee hesitated for a moment, and Kakashi took that moment to pounce, “It won’t take long, I swear, Obito’s grandmother has some kimono that his mother used to wear that will fit.”

 

“Well, that’s kind of weird…”

 

“They’ll look very good, they’re a dark blue and would much better complement your skin tone,” Kakashi said, and Lee looked down at her own royal blue kimono, and Kakashi swiftly added, “It’s a different dark blue, a better blue,”

 

“Uh, okay, I guess I have time…”

 

“Excellent! I’ll be back shortly!”

 

And Kakashi sprinted all the way down to the Uchiha compound and then to Obito’s window, not even bothering to use the door, landing on top of Obito who’d been lying on his bed, “Obito, it’s a disaster, I need a dark blue kimono and I need you to go and make Minato-sensei’s date go horribly wrong while I go and draw out the nidaime!”

 

“Bakashi! What the hell?!”

 

Kakashi shook Obito by his shoulders, “We don’t have time for this, Obito, kimono, now!”

 

“I don’t have any kimonos!” Obito spluttered, flushing, and looking horrifically bewildered.

 

“Surely your mother had some or your grandmother!”

 

“No, and not any just lying around!” Obito said, and Kakashi cursed, because that was just his luck. But that was fine, he could go back and say he was wrong, apologize, and then Lee would leave on her date but he’d already left matters to Obito so he could sprint in the opposite direction towards the Senju compound.

 

“Alright, fine, bag the kimono, Obito, I need you to go to this restaurant and… Do something, make it into a disaster, make sure neither Minato-sensei, Lee-nee, or Uzumaki Kushina have a pleasant evening.”

 

Obito took the address, “What? Why am I… How am I even supposed to do that?”

 

“We don’t have time for your questions!”

 

With that Kakashi summarily pushed Obito out through the open window, Obito letting out a cry as he fell and rolled, “Did you just throw me out of my own window?!”

 

“Go, Obito, hurry up!” Kakashi said, “Remember, I owe you a date with Rin for this!”

 

Obito slowly stood, narrowed his eyes at Kakashi, then seemed to wave it off and slowly jogged his way to the restaurant district, clearly not understanding the dire straits they were in. Or, it was because Kakashi hadn’t let him get his shoes on, that could also be the reason.

 

And Kakashi, jumping back out the window, began sprinting back to his own house as fast as he could. And when he got there he found Lee and his father patiently sitting across from each other with cups of tea, both of them raising their eyebrows at his entrance, “Obito… I was wrong, he didn’t have a kimono,”

 

“Oh, so… I should go then?”

 

Kakashi’s father nodded, taking Lee’s tea cup from her. And Lee stood, looking down at her outfit critically, “I really hope this doesn’t look too shitty… But I guess it will have to do.”

 

“It’ll be fine, it’s passable,” Kakashi wheezed out, hunching over as he did so, he’d really outdone himself with that sprinting, he wouldn’t have the energy to make it to the Senju compound at this rate.

 

As soon as Lee was out the door his father’s eyes turned to him, “Kakashi, what are you doing?”

 

“Breathing, it’s… more difficult than I remember,” Kakashi said, still hunching over and willing himself to stand up straight, just after a few more breaths.

 

“Kakashi, you’re not going to break them apart, you know that, don’t you?”

 

Kakashi finally straightened up, “No… You’re wrong… I’ve been planning things.”

 

His father sighed, “Regardless of what you have planned, one ruined date isn’t going to tear them apart, if it was that easy then they wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place,”

 

“If anything, Kushina’s actions should have caused a rift, but they didn’t,” his father explained, “And even if Minato disappeared for a while, and Kushina became a little too enthusiastic, it still seems to work. And Kakashi, if you want to be a part of her life, you’re going to have to accept that.”  


“I don’t have to accept anything,” Kakashi said, “It’ll work out, you’ll see.”

 

“Perhaps not in the way you’d like though,” his father paused, then said, slowly, and perhaps even with a touch of pity, “You can share people, Kakashi, you do know that, don’t you?”

 

Yes, he’d known that for years, long before this had happened he’d known the concept of sharing a person. Unwillingly, and then begrudgingly, he’d shared Eru Lee with Namikaze Minato. However, that wasn’t the problem this time.

 

“I can share people! I can share Lee! I just… Does he even know what he’s doing!”

 

Kakashi was getting distracted, he knew it, but all the same he couldn’t seem to help himself because he needed to explain that this wasn’t really about him or how he felt. Instead it was about her and what she deserved.

 

“Does anyone?” Hatake Sakumo looked at his son then with all the wisdom that being a shinobi who had survived years of ANBU could give him, “He loves her, Kakashi, and she loves him, and while I know Kushina loves Minato perhaps she can grow to love Lee as well. And that, Kakashi, matters more than anything else.”

 

Kakashi said nothing for a moment, somehow not sure of what to say, how to express what he wanted to say, and then threw his hands into the air and made his way back to the door, “We’ll see, father.”

 

And with that, he stood outside, staring out at the sunset, which had somehow always reminded him of his sister, and took a deep breath. Then, gathering his willpower and what was left of his chakra, he began to work his way from a job to a sprint, towards the Senju compound.

 

Only, halfway there, just as the light of the sun set, he found himself darting out of the way of Eru Lee, who appeared out of nothingness, holding the collar chagrined and alarmed looking Uchiha Obito in one hand.

 

“So, Kashi, looks like you have some explaining to do,”

 

* * *

 

The next day saw both him and Obito significantly late to training, meandering their way through the village, after Kakashi had helped Obito rescue his grandmother’s mischievous cat from the tree.

 

Obito was the one who spoke first, “So, I guess you’re giving up your plan, huh?”

 

“It seems so,” Kakashi said slowly, emptily, not quite sure how he felt about that.

 

“Are you still angry?”

 

“No,” Kakashi said, and then added, “I wanted to thank you for your help all the same,”

 

“Wasn’t much help, I didn’t even do anything before your sister grabbed me and teleported me to you.” Obito said with a growing flush of embarrassment, “Sorry about that, by the way.”

 

“It was a lot to ask, she is a jonin after all,”

 

And they both fell silent at that, Kakashi thinking back to those last moments, after explaining everything, the plans, the reasons, Kakashi’s own trepidation and feelings of betrayal.

 

And how she’d taken it all in, and then she simply said, “It’s not like that, Kakashi. We’ll be fine, I promise.”

 

It was as if she hadn’t seen the need to say more than that, couldn’t find the reason to say more than that, and just looking at her expression. Somehow, he’d understood.

 

Perhaps she and the nidaime were now friends, closer than they were but… But for whatever reason, Minato, Lee, and Kushina worked. And Kakashi shouldn’t try to get in the way of that.

 

And when they finally reached the training field, both of them late and Minato-sensei looking beyond annoyed, Kakashi merely said, “I’m afraid we got lost on the long and winding road of life.”

 

* * *

 

“And it did work, strangely enough, despite my best intentions,” Kakashi-nii went onto say as he finished, “So strange as it is perhaps it was simply meant to be,”

 

“But I don’t want Hari and Sasuke to be!” Naruto said, almost desperately, “I don’t want Sasuke at all!”

 

“Oh, well, I think that’s a little different. You see, Sasuke isn’t actually interested in dating Hari, right now anyways.” Kakashi-nii said with an air of wisdom.

 

“He’s not?”

 

“No, Uchiha Sasuke is like a fertile, rich, tiny little country surrounded by dozens of far more powerful bloodthirsty countries that are waiting for an opportunity to strike out and claim his sweet nubile flesh for their own.”

 

Naruto wasn’t sure what that meant, he’d read the word nubile before in ero-jiji’s books, and he was pretty sure he didn’t like it. And that it probably didn’t apply to Sasuke.

 

“Luckily for him, there is one extraordinarily powerful country next door, powerful enough to singlehandedly destroy all the other countries, which appears to be entirely indifferent to his presence. Sasuke has realized that his best chance of survival is to ally himself with said country of Namikaze Hari and use her to ward off the invading troops of all the other countries.”

 

“So, what you’re saying is… Sasuke-bastard doesn’t really want to date my sister, he just doesn’t want fangirls.”

 

“Exactly!” Kakashi said with one of his trademark grins.

 

“But that’s even worse!” Naruto said, because that just meant Sasuke really was a bastard and was just using Hari for his own gain.

 

“Well, not quite, because your sister isn’t actually interested in dating Sasuke either,” Kakashi-nii added.

 

“Huh?”

 

“He’d never actually approach her if she had the slightest interest in him. No, you see, Hari has said yes not only to calm the waters and out of pity for Sasuke, but also because of her large and rather adorable crush on his much older, and entirely outside of her league under normal circumstances, cousin Uchiha Shisui.”

 

“WHAT?!”


	4. Chapter 4

Naruto would wonder, later, when he wasn’t so caught up in events of his own life, if all stories somehow boiled down to how his parents managed to make their relationship work. Because it seemed like every time Naruto needed advice or somebody else thought he needed advice he ended up hearing about it.

 

Even when it was the last thing he ever wanted to talk about.

 

The fourth time he ended up hearing about his parents love lives went back to just having heard about his parents love lives from Kakashi-nii.

 

Naruto, after Kakshi-nii’s casual yet somehow explosive reveal of the dangers of Uchiha Shisui, had spent about a week completely panicking and trying to decide between confronting Shisui as soon as possible and punching him in the face telling him to stay away from his sister and actually doing reconnaissance.

 

Unfortunately, Naruto chose the sensible shinobi approach of spying on the enemy and gossiping with everyone who knew him, and he didn’t like what he heard or saw.

 

For one thing, Uchiha Shisui was one of those guys that everyone had heard about, and was basically considered one of the best ninja to come out of the Uchiha clan for decades (possibly since the clan’s existence depending on who you talked to) along with Sasuke’s older brother Itachi.

 

So, if Naruto tried to punch him in the face like he did Sasuke-bastard then Naruto would probably die.

 

Especially since Shisui wasn’t just a jonin, but was also in ANBU, which according to Kushina-kaa was where Lee-kaa learned to become a horrifically terrifying one-man destroyer of civilizations.

 

But this wasn’t even the worst part.

 

He had good hair, Uchiha as a rule had terrible hair. Lee-kaa said you could pretty much judge the attractiveness of an Uchiha not based on their face or body (because these were somehow always almost perfect) but on the attractiveness of their hair (case in point, Sasuke for an Uchiha was downright hideous with his infamous duck-butt hair).

 

But not Shisui, his hair was almost like Lee-kaa’s or Hari’s, softer more defined dark curls that framed his face and somehow inconceivably managed to look good.

 

He also had a sense of humor, not that snarky biting insulting of everyone that Sasuke tried to pass off as humor (or Itachi’s weird flat statements that were apparently trying to be jokes but didn’t come close to anything funny at all), but an actual legitimate funny sense of humor. And this lead to the further horrifying fact that he had a personality period, a personality that wasn’t arrogant terse monosyllabic grunting bastard, which according to Obito-nii was obscenely rare in the Uchiha family tree.

 

The only good sign out of any of this was that he was way too old for Hari and was already surrounded by fangirls his own age and a girls few years younger and older. He was swimming in attention and didn’t really have any need to think about little girls in the academy and what they might think about him. If Hari wasn’t the hokage’s daughter, clan heir to the English family clans, and in Sasuke’s class then Naruto would bet five bowls of ramen that he wouldn’t even know who Hari was.

 

It’d actually be crazy creepy if he paid any attention to Hari right now.

 

And that had calmed him down for a little bit, he’d breathed a huge sigh of relief, thanked the gods that Shisui wasn’t closer in age to them (because even Itachi was a little too close in age to them for comfort), and walked home with a giant grin on his face for defeating the enemy after his sister’s virtue.

 

(Well, except for Sasuke, but Naruto could totally handle Sasuke the grouchy bastard.)

 

Of course, that was until he walked into his house to find not only Lee-kaa casually playing shogi against a blank faced Uchiha Itachi (a sight that was growing steadily more common since she’d taken Itachi as an apprentice) but also Hari sitting on the couch next to a rather grumpy looking Sasuke-bastard (not that Sasuke ever didn’t look grumpy), Hari staring straight ahead into space with a really weird almost panicked look on her face along with a slight blush, and also none other than that same guy that Naruto had been following around for the past week.

 

Uchiha Shisui, lounged on Naruto’s couch with that easy carefree grin on his face, hands behind his head as he watched the shogi match, in casual civilian clothing with the Uchiha fan embroidered on his dark blue sleeves, having the absolute nerve to look like he belonged there.

 

“Maa maa, little cousin, you’re getting your ass handed to you today,” Shisui remarked, grinning when Itachi threw a baleful glare in his direction (well, baleful for Itachi, it was really hard to tell what that guy was thinking when all of his expressions pretty much looked the same.)

 

“Shisui, I’d appreciate a lack of commentary, true shogi takes concentration and discipline,” Lee-kaa commented as she placed down a piece, causing Itachi to pale dramatically as he read the board and his dwindling possible moves, “And who knows? Itachi may one day have to bargain for his own soul with the Shinigami in a _chess_ match. It pays to be good at this sort of thing and it’s hard to be good at this sort of thing if the peanut gallery starts jabbering.”

 

“Of course, Eru-sama, I’ll be quiet as a mouse,” Shisui assured her with a cheerful expression that neither Lee-kaa nor Itachi seemed inclined to trust.

 

Except it was at this point that Naruto pointed at the intruder and blurted, “What’s he doing here?!”

 

They all blinked, turned their attention to Naruto.

 

“Oh, hello Naruto, welcome back, how was… outside?” Lee-kaa said before motioning to the board, “Itachi said that he might be able to beat me today, which was a blatant lie and overestimation of his meager shogi abilities… Also, he’s my apprentice, and that means we have to do things like have tea all the time and play shogi and talk about life.”

 

“No, not him,” Naruto said motioning to Itachi briefly before waving his hands at the couch, “Him!”

 

“Uh, Naruto I’m… dating… Sasuke,” Hari said slowly, her eyes stuck on Shisui and then to Sasuke, her blush deepening as she struggled to get the words out, “I… Uh… Don’t you remember?”

 

“I don’t care about Sasuke-bastard!”

 

“That’s a first,” Sasuke remarked in his usual biting and dismissive tone.

 

“Shut up, bastard!” Naruto automatically retorted before pointing straight at Shisui, “Him, why’s he here!”

 

“Oh, you’re talking about me,” Shisui said in realization, as if he hadn’t realized Naruto had been pointing at him the entire time, and he offered a smile with those too perfect straight teeth that didn’t even have the decency to be even slightly crooked, “Right, well, Itachi invited me along and I thought I should come and see the match since I had the time and rarely get a chance to hang out with my baby cousin Sasuke while he’s on his adorable little dates. That, and, Naruto-kun, you’ve been stalking me for about a week and it’s been getting kind of weird, so I thought I’d stop by and embarrass you in front of your terrifying mother.”

 

Naruto stopped, panicked as he tried to figure out just when he’d been caught, flushed, and then blurted, “I haven’t been stalking you!”

 

Shisui just gave him a look, a look that Naruto was so very familiar with because Hari gave him one just like it all the time, the look that questioned his intelligence completely and asked if he wasn’t joking with them and trying to mess with their heads.

 

“Really, believe it!”

 

“Well, I would believe it, except that I’ve caught you doing it like five times now and it’s getting super weird, Naruto-kun,” Shisui-said before adding with a somewhat dubious look, “Really, I’m too old for you… And I also don’t swing in that direction.”

 

“I know you’re too old!” Naruto shouted back, because that was the whole point, that was Shisui’s saving grace, and then swiftly Naruto added with just as much emphasis, “And I don’t swing in that direction either, believe it!”

 

Lee-kaa’s face grew paler and a look of irritated apprehension dawned there, “Naruto, is this your way of telling me it’s time for the sex talk? Because I’ll be honest, I was kind of going to pawn that off onto Minato or Jiraiya-sensei’s porn books…”

 

Shisui scratched at the back of his head and mulled this over, “Well, Naruto-kun, I’d like to believe it but I have a lot of experience with people following me around, boys and girls, and I’m having a hard time coming up with any other explanation.”

 

“Believe it, Shisui! The only reason I’m doing this is because Kakashi-nii said that Hari…”

 

Suddenly, moving way faster than she should have been capable of (unless dad had taught Hari the hiraishin when Naruto wasn’t looking, which totally wouldn’t be fair since dad had promised to teach them both at the same time, or she’d managed to inherit Lee-kaa’s teleportation blood limit), Hari was standing right next to him and grabbing his shoulder in a grip way too tight to be friendly.

 

Except Hari was all smiles, terrifying cheerful smiles that meant that Naruto was probably not going to walk away from this without some serious injuries, “Naruto, what are you doing dragging someone respectable like Kakashi-nii into this? Don’t you know any better?”

 

Hari then looked straight at Shisui, her face turning bright red, and she rambled (which was so weird because Hari never rambled, always said things at her own measured pace, and it was always Naruto who blurted anything out), “Um, sorry everyone, Sasuke, but Naruto and I need to go talk outside, right now, because… um… I’m worried about him stalking Shisui-san!”

 

Hari then sprinted out of the house, dragging Naruto behind, and kept sprinting across the entire village until they reached just outside of the Senju compound, and then she came to a sudden stop and kicked him in the face.

 

“Hey, what was that for?!” Naruto cried out as he rubbed at his nose and the blood already starting to ooze out of it.

 

“Naruto, what the hell are you doing?!” Hari said, launching a fist at his face leaving Naruto only a moment to scramble backwards out of the way. And he’d always known that Hari was fast, that she was crazy fast, but somehow even in academy spars she’d never felt quite this fast (although it had been a while, since Iruka-sensei mostly paired her up with Sasuke these days).

 

“Me? What the hell are you doing?! First you date Sasuke-bastard and now you like Shisui-bastard!” Naruto cried out as he dodged another kick and threw his own leg out at her causing her to have to move to block it.

 

“Who told you?” Hari’s face grew bright red, even brighter red than when she’d been inside the house sitting right next to Shisui, and then she paused and her eyes narrowed, “Wait, Kakashi-nii, goddammit Kakashi…”

 

“Hey, don’t blame him, Hari! You’re the one who’s going around liking someone like…”

 

“And what’s wrong with Shisui!” Hari cried out and it looked like she was forcing herself to say these words, like she really didn’t want to but couldn’t help it and hated every moment of it, “He’s really smart, he’s funny, he’s a brilliant shinobi, he’s… pretty, and he’s nice to everyone and…”  


“And super old for you!” Naruto said with a biting grin, “Almost as old as Obito-nii, Kakashi-nii, and Rin-nee, way too old for someone like…”

 

“So he’s older than us!” Hari interjected as she swiped out at Naruto’s legs, causing him to lose balance and stumble for a bit, “I know that! And I know it won’t work right now and the best thing I can hope for is for him to see me as Hari-hime or maybe even a younger sister but if he likes me, if I’m there and he likes me right now, even if it’s not in the way I like him then… Then in a couple years I won’t be so young anymore, so if I can just be around for that long, if I can just wait and be patient then…”

 

Naruto didn’t let her finish, launched himself at her and threw her to the ground while she was distracted, and let himself be distracted by the fighting. Because even though it sounded ridiculous, waiting for someone like that, biding your time like that, the age difference really wasn’t that huge. It just seemed gross because he and Hari were still in the academy, but if Hari and he were sixteen instead, and Shisui was in his early twenties, then that wasn’t…

 

It wasn’t even worth thinking about as Hari kicked up at him and flipped them, punching Naruto in his already swelling face.

 

They probably would have kept fighting for a while, because Naruto didn’t give up and neither did Hari, not ever, even if it was against each other, so Naruto supposed it was a good thing that Senju Tobirama, the nidaime, picked them both up by their collars out of nowhere, glared at each of them, and said, “I should have known it’d have something to do with Lee,”

 

“Oh, hello nidaime-sama, uh… How are you?” Naruto asked, but the man didn’t seem remotely interested, instead he continued to hold them by their collars and walked them all the way inside the compound and then into a room with a low tea table and his brother the shodaime inside sipping tea with a miniature water dragon and a smiling plant on the table.

 

Naruto then screamed as he found himself thrown into the room at Senju Hashirama’s feet, “Hashiarama, you take care of the Uzumaki one while I talk to the Eru one.”

 

“Huh?” Hashirama said before blinking down and looking at Naruto, “Oh, it’s Naruto-kun, um, Tobi, why am I…”

 

But Tobirama was already gone dragging a wide-eyed Hari with him into some other room leaving a rather awkward Naruto and shodaime behind.

 

“Well, alright then, oh, Naruto, what happened to your face?”

 

“Uh, Hari…” Naruto said in embarrassment as he poked at his sore face, at least his nose had stopped bleeding, “I, uh, kind of made her mad.”

 

“Oh, I make my brother mad all the time,” the shodaime said to which the water dragon and tree both nodded sagely in agreement (which, Naruto just wasn’t even going to ask), “Although, Hari-chan usually seems so even tempered, what did you do that made her so mad?”

 

“Well, Hari likes Uchiha Shisui and I confronted her about it and…”

 

And he stopped, paused, because now that he thought about it Naruto wasn’t sure what he’d wanted out of that confrontation. Ideally for Hari to have never liked Shisui in the first place, or stop liking him, but that really wasn’t going to happen and he’d known that. Or, he would if he’d stopped to think about it.

 

So what had he thought would happen by confronting her about it?

 

“Oh, I see,” the shodaime said before asking, “Would you like some tea?”

 

Naruto nodded and Hashirama poured and handed him a cup all while musing, “You know, strange as this may sound, this actually reminds me of a fight I got into with your mother, Kushina, years ago.”

 

Naruto almost spit out his tea, “You and mom had a fight?”

 

Because that would be a story for the ages, Kushina-kaa was a badass but even more badass than her was the shodaime hokage. A fight between them would have been one of those legendary fights that could level a small village and people would have paid to see or even read about in the generations afterwards.

 

It’d be on par with dad’s famous battle in Iwa where he became the Yellow Flash, some of Lee-kaa’s more notorious battles in the third war, or even the shodaime’s legendary battle with Uchiha Madara.

 

“A pretty nasty one too,” Hashirama said, rubbing at the back of his head in embarrassment, “I sort of got a little too emotionally invested in that one… Coincidentally, it was almost on the exact same subject that your fight with Hari apparently was.”

 

“Huh, you guys fought about Uchiha Shisui?”

 

That was pretty weird considering Naruto didn’t think Shisui would have been born then, or he would have been super young or something, probably still in the academy.

 

“No, no, we fought about your other mother, Eru Lee, and whether or not Kushina had any right to deny me nieces and nephews.”

 

Naruto had that familiar sinking feeling in his stomach that had started feeling like a forewarning to a story about his parents and their love lives long before Naruto and Hari were even born.

 

And sure enough, Hashirama started talking with a nostalgic look in his eye completely unconcerned by Naruto’s look of complete apprehension, “You see, it all started around the time of that infamous incident where your father had drunk sex with both Uzumaki Kushina and Eru Lee, and my brother started to become very close friends with Lee…”

 

* * *

 

“Hashirama, and, for god’s sake don’t take too long with this question, but which of these do you think looks better, red or blue?”

 

Hashirama looked up from the scroll he’d been staring at for far too long in the kitchen, blinked, and then refocused on the sight of his little brother Tobi, half-dressed, holding up a blue yukata and a red yukata with a rather impatient look on his face. Which, Tobirama had never had any patience, oh he did for inventing, for jutsus, for strategy and games of shogi, but he wasted all his patience on that so barely had time for anything else.

 

No, what was very strange about all of this was that Tobi was asking for Hashirama’s advice on clothes, when he said Hashirama had the worst fashion sense in the world, and more he was having trouble deciding what to wear.

 

Tobirama usually didn’t care about that sort of thing, he dressed for practicality, or what was most easily available in his closet. That wasn’t to say he ever looked bad but he took no real joy in his appearance either, he dressed as the occasion demanded, but otherwise never truly went out of his way to have a definitive style. Not like Hashirama, simplicity and efficiency, those belonged to Tobirama.

 

So, to hear his little brother, who never wasted more than ten seconds on anything, asking Hashirama for advice on outfits, was frankly baffling.

 

But it also wasn’t an opportunity Hashirama was going to waste.

 

Hashirama grinned feeling all the hopes and dreams of bonding with his only living brother cementing themselves into reality, “Little brother, I’m so glad you asked…”

 

Tobi’s eyes widened and he quickly interjected, “Don’t you dare get carried away!”

 

“…for my opinion and are finally appreciating all the time I’ve spent dedicated to fashion!” Hashirama finished as if Tobi hadn’t interrupted in the first place.

 

“Brother, the only reason I am asking you, I repeat the only reason, is because you are the only other person here and I am on a tight schedule!”

 

Hashirama grinned and ushered his little brother out of the kitchen and back into the hallway, “Nonsense, besides, both are just so… you, not that that’s anything bad, but we should look at the rest of your closet and see what else is in there.”

 

“There is nothing else in my closet!” Tobirama snapped as he was ushered down the hallway, “You have only two choices, Hashirama, red or blue, so goddammit just pick one!”

 

“But they’re so boring…”

 

“And all of your outfits make me wonder if you’re color blind!” Tobirama snapped.

 

“Well, if you thought that you wouldn’t be asking for my advice, would you?” Hashirama pointed out with a cheery grin.

 

“No, I’m asking you because… I can’t decide… And this is important…” Tobirama seemed oddly flustered, not too flustered, but then Tobirama was never flustered at all. Even as a little boy, years younger than Hashirama, he’d always been so self-possessed and so serious.

 

Tobi had always been aware of the nature of the world they lived in.

 

Hashirama couldn’t ever remember a time when Tobi had been red-faced and stammering with mortification. Sure, he’d do second hand embarrassment, but that was usually more of a cutting irritated thing than Hashirama’s displays of momentary regret, and his shame and regrets were far deeper than any red-faced stuttering would allow.

 

“Important?” Hashirama questioned, “Why, are you doing anything?”

 

And Tobi, his pale cheeks turned slightly pink, and he said, “It’s not important what I’m doing I just… I need to know which color looks better.”

 

“But you just said…”

 

“It’s not important for you to know!” Tobirama spat before Hashirama could get any further.

 

And before Hashirama could do anything Tobirama disappeared from his grip, teleporting back into his room, and emerging suddenly wearing the blue yukata and rushing towards the door, stating without even looking at Hashirama, “I’m going to be out for lunch and maybe dinner, please don’t wait for me.”

 

And then he slammed the door in Hashirama’s face.

 

Now, Hashirama could give him the privacy he wanted and be a respectful older brother, or he could take advantage of the fact that he happened to not be on a mission that day and follow his older brother and find out just what was so important that it demanded Tobi the grump to care about things like the color of his shirt.

 

It didn’t take much thought to go with the second option.

 

* * *

 

“Pretty sure that’s not how it works, Tobirama,”

 

“Oh, what would you know about things working, Lee? It’s not as if you’ve ever paid attention to the mechanics of any jutsu or seal.”

 

Hashirama’s brother, oddly enough, wasn’t found inside of the library or the hokage tower talking to Hiruzen, but instead at the local ramen stand sharing a meal with none other than little Eru Lee. Of course, Eru Lee wasn’t so little anymore, looking at her now Hashirama realized just how much she’d grown and that instead of being an adolescent she was a young woman.

 

Hashirama had married Mito younger than Lee was now.

 

More, watching as she and Tobi bickered with each other, she was a beautiful young woman. It’d been there when she was younger, but had been easy to push away seeing her usual antics, but now her bright red hair of soft curls, her white wide smile, and her brilliantly green eyes weren’t so easily ignored.

 

“Hey, that’s not true, I pay attention to all sorts of things… Sometimes… When it’s important…” Lee said trailing off with a grimace, which appeared to be her way of admitting that she had no desire to join research and development anytime soon.

 

“Of course you do, in the meantime, I do this for a living, and I can tell you that if one were to build a fuinjutsu network to stabilize the boundaries between worlds, then you would have this seal right here to stabilize your connection to the world you come from…”

 

Lee interrupted even as she at her ramen and tapped on the scribblings that Tobirama had laid out in front of her, “Except that seems like it would play hell with trying to find the place you’re going to. Your chakra is from here, that should be enough of a magnet to draw you back whenever you leave. It’s trying to specify a place that should be taking up most of the seal.”

 

“Yes, I’m aware of this problem, which is why this design is ungodly in size…” Tobirama sighed, ran a hand over his face, and said, “And I can’t believe that you manage to do this without any fuinjutsu.”

 

Lee nodded in sympathy, “Yes, Minato says the same thing all the time. I hear it’s very frustrating.”

 

“Unbelievably,” Tobi groused before sighing and then giving Lee a rather penetrating if thoughtful look, “By the way, how is that going with you and Namikaze… and Uzumaki,”

 

Now it was Lee’s turn to sigh and drag a hand through her hair, “Honestly, still a little bizarre. I mean, it’s better, Minato’s less likely to run off to the woods at every opportunity. But there’s this weird unspoken thought of whether I should move in or not or if it’s still too soon, and where we should go for dates, and who has priority for sex and things, and… Well, honestly, it’d be much better if they just had a set of rules written down somewhere that I could follow.”

 

“Lee, honestly, I think it will always be a little bizarre.”

 

And Tobi smiled at her, a soft smile that he only really gave to Hashirama, Tsunade, or his students, and only every once in a while, often years in between one smile like that and another. It was the smile without anything barbed in it, true affection inside of it.

 

“You’re probably right, but like I said, it’s already better than ground zero,” Lee agreed, with a smile of her own.

 

“Ground zero being…”

 

“Oh, you know, Kushina’s whole, let’s get everyone super drunk on sake and then have sex with Lee in front of Minato thing.” Lee said before adding, “The fallout of which was Minato disappearing with Kakashi and leaving me to wander with a hangover to shishou’s trying to understand what the hell just happened.”

 

“Did you understand what happened?”

 

Lee paused, then shook her head, “No, I still don’t really.”

 

“Well, be comforted that you’re not alone in that. I’m fairly certain the entire village has no idea what to make of your relationships,”

 

“Except Jiraiya-sensei,” Lee added with a smile which only caused Tobi to frown with a look of familiar irritation.

 

“Yes, except for the toad sage,” Tobi concurred.

 

Hashirama wasn’t really paying too much attention to their conversation though, as he covertly watched them, instead he was thinking back to all those years ago before they’d died, before Konoha had even been created. Tobirama had been the spare, and when their father died and Hashirama became clan heir and married Mito…

 

Hashirama loved Mito, grew to love her, but he’d worried about his brother. And he’d thought, I don’t want Tobirama to be like I was, I want him to have the right to choose who he wants to marry, to not have to marry for politics or an heir for the clan.

 

But Tobirama had never chosen anyone, never shown an interest in anyone, not then when he was still a young man only barely of marriageable age, or later when Konoha was built and Hashirama hokage… And it seemed that even later, when he became hokage himself after Hashirama and Madara’s deaths, he still didn’t choose.

 

For a while Hashirama had wondered if Tobirama was interested in men, but that didn’t seem right either, because Hashirama had known that Tobirama was propositioned by them too but nothing ever seemed to happen.

 

Tobi had always had his mind on other things, hadn’t seemed to want to be attached to anyone else, had seemed content living through Hashirama and playing the part of the eccentric and taciturn uncle and then grand uncle.

 

But the way he looked at Eru Lee…

 

They’d often talked of what it might have been like, if Lee had been born in their era instead, but Hashirama had never imagined that Tobi might look at that hypothetical Lee the way he was looking at this one, and if he had… If he had then Hashirama might have suggested that Tobi marry her.

 

Or who knows, maybe Tobirama would have decided to marry her himself.

 

Tobi’s head whipped up and he turned and narrowed his eyes near Hashirama’s hiding place, Hashirama shrunk back, immediately feeling panic because he’d momentarily forgotten that his brother was a brilliant and unparalleled sensor.

 

Before Hashirama could scramble out of the way and back to the compound Tobi was upon him and dragging him out to the ramen stand, “Brother, what are you doing here?”

 

“Oh, hi Tobi, fancy running into you here…” Hashirama said with a laugh, which Tobi was having none of obviously, before Hashirama was unceremoniously thrown onto a stool.

 

“Oh, hello shodaime-sama, what brings you here?” Lee asked, looking torn between being confused by his presence and wondering if she should be confused by his presence, a look he was extremely familiar with from her youth.

 

It still was adorable on her even as an adult.

 

“Eavesdropping, poorly eavesdropping,” Tobirama said with a glare as he sat back down.

 

“No, I was just… Walking around, it’s such a beautiful day after all…”

 

Tobirama’s glare was enough to stop Hashirama with that excuse before he could even get started. Which… Well, Tobi had always been a bit too sharp, even when they were children, even when Hashirama had been sneaking out to meet with Madara by the river all those years ago…

 

“So, I see you two are having lunch,” Hashirama said, distracting himself from his own thoughts and focusing on the here and now, the here and now being Tobirama apparently on a date with Eru Lee.

 

“Yes, brother, a lunch that you weren’t invited to,” Tobirama said in a tone that was anything but pleasant.

 

His eyes darted to his brother then to Lee on the opposite side of Tobi, trying to dissect everything about the way they were sitting, the way they looked at each other, and if he really was seeing the spark that he thought he was seeing, “Do you often have lunch together?”

 

Lee shrugged and supplied an answer, “Sure, once a week or so, or whenever Tobirama needs to talk cross dimensional fuijutsu with someone.”

 

Which judging by Tobi’s harsh glare was quite often and… And Tobi was aware of why he was doing this, Hashirama was sure that Tobi knew that he liked Lee, he’d always been aware of things like that but… But Lee didn’t know, more, Lee had been roped into dating Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina, Mito’s former and last apprentice.

 

And it seemed that Tobirama was unwilling to say anything, to Lee or Kushina and Minato, that instead he’d just wait forever for something that wouldn’t happen unless he reached for it…

 

Hashirama burst into tears, “I’m so sorry, little brother, your love life it’s just… it’s so sad!”

 

Tobirama grimaced and shuddered, “Why am I not at all surprised that this is happening?”

 

“Uh, Tobirama, should we do something about him?” Lee asked warily as she handed Hashirama a napkin which Hashirama eagerly took to dab at the crocodile tears pouring down his face.

 

“No, you’ll only encourage him,” Tobirama said, “Just let him get it out of his system,”

 

And there he was, putting on a brave face even now, when he knew exactly why Hashirama was bawling, when it was Tobirama’s love life that was in complete and utter shambles. But Tobi just sat there in grim silence and Lee in an awkward one as they paid their bill and waited for Hashirama to stop, and when he didn’t stop they left him behind, Tobirama suggesting that they head to the Senju compound to continue discussing fuinjutsu while Hashirama was otherwise occupied.

 

And so, it was the ramen chef, Ichiraku, who asked, “Um, shodaime-sama, is there anything I can help you with?”

 

And Hashirama lifted his head, sniffing and dabbing at his eyes, willing himself to stop crying, and cementing in the determination he’d need to do what had to be done, “Well… Do you happen to know where Uzumaki Kushina is today?”

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry, uncle, but you want me to what?”

 

Hashirama, having wormed his way into Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina’s apartment to have a word with Kushina, did not even hesitate as he repeated, “I want you and Minato to give up on Eru Lee.”

 

Kushina did not look all that much like Mito, after all, they were very distantly related but there was a spark of determination that seemed to be present in all Uzumakis that Hashirama had ever met when she said, “No, with all due respect, no uncle Hashi. I like Lee, hell I may even love Lee someday, and Minato and Lee certainly love each other, and I’m not going to stop dating her just because it offends old people’s sensibilities!”

 

“Oh, this isn’t about that,” Hashirama said with a smile, one that clearly disconcerted Kushina by its abrupt appearance, “Really, under normal circumstances I’d be very happy for you kids. After all, when I was younger marrying and courting whoever you chose just wasn’t done. So, it’s nice to see the younger generations having the opportunities that we didn’t get to have.”

 

Kushina blinked, frowned, and then asked hesitantly, “…Ok then, what is this about?”

 

Hashirama sighed, feeling unusually serious, and not entirely sure how to put this, finally he said, “It’s about my younger brother, really. He’s… I’ve been worried about him so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to not be worried about him. And I always thought he just wasn’t interested, because he never seemed to be but… But then, recently, with Lee, I thought that maybe he just was really picky. Maybe the right person didn’t exist all those years ago, maybe he had to wait, and maybe now is the only chance he’ll ever have.”

 

“Huh?” Kushina asked, apparently not having managed to follow Hashirama’s rambling all that well.

 

“Oh, well, I want you and Minato to stop dating Lee because I think my brother should give courting Lee a try,” Hashirama summarized with an embarrassed smile, because it did sound odd when he put it like that.

 

“What?!”

 

“I’m not too old for nieces and nephews, Kushina,” Hashirama said before adding, “I always wanted to be an uncle and I think Tobi would have made a great father if he’d ever had the chance…”

 

And Hashirama had taken to wondering if their children would have Tobi’s white hair or else they’d get a more Uzumaki red with Lee’s hair mixed in and whether their eyes would be like emeralds or rubies…

 

“No, no, what? You want Minato and I to stop dating Lee, so that she can bang your brother!”

 

“No! No, nothing like that, just… You already have Minato anyways! Why do you even need Lee?” Hashirama cried out, because really, wasn’t a two-person relationship good enough for them? Didn’t one of them feel a bit like a third wheel anyway? It just wasn’t fair for Tobi to have no one while Minato and Kushina got Lee as well.

 

“Hey, watch it old man!” Kushina said, jabbing a finger into his chest with accusation, “We need Lee because I say we need Lee, and Lee needs us, you can’t just substitute me and Minato with Senju Tobirama of all people!”

 

Hashirama flushed, “Why not? I think they’d work very well together!”

 

“Why not? No offense uncle, but your brother’s kind of a stiff ass. Not to mention he barely seems to even tolerate Lee!”

 

“You just don’t know him as well as I do, he’s very hard to read, but he likes her, he likes her a lot. He even spends time deciding what to wear when he has lunch with her! If that’s not Tobi liking someone then I don’t know what is!” Hashirama rebuffed with confidence born of years of knowing his brother’s ticks extremely well.

 

Kushina’s face burned tomato red and she shouted back, “Oh yeah, well, Minato and Lee and I have sex!”

 

“Sex,” Hashirama said slowly, his voice cold as steel and far closer to Tobirama’s in tone then his voice usually was, “Is not the same thing as love.”

 

(It probably shouldn’t have been surprising that Kushina threw him out of her apartment.)

 

* * *

 

Of course, the next thing Hashirama made sure to do was to invite Lee to dinner at the Senju compound.

 

Lee sat at the table eyeing the scrolls on the walls and all the decorations collected over the years of the Senju clan’s existence with curiosity, “You know, it’s so weird not being here for official ninja reasons. Normally I only came over to this place to see the _English_ ninja, I don’t think I’ve been here since he started spending more time in _England_.”

 

“Oh, yes, he is an interesting man,” Hashirama said with a nostalgic smile, before adding, “I’m not looking forward to whenever he comes back.”

 

“It really is easier when he plagues his home country rather than ours, isn’t it?” Tobirama added with a scoff as he sipped at the sake Hashirama had brought out for the occasion.

 

“I don’t know, I kind of liked him, I mean he was terrifying, but you have to admit that he was terrifyingly charming too.” Lee said, with her own nostalgic grin.

 

“The man did not lack for charisma… Which probably explains why he’s eating the _English_ alive.” Tobirama eyed his cup of sake then looked at Lee with an indulgent smile, “A toast, to our friend the _Englishman_?”

 

Lee raised her glass and struck it against his, “To the _English_ shinobi, the samurai without a master, whose grand ambitions will probably light my home country on fire as he terrorizes peasants and kings alike.”

 

They stared at each other for a moment, and before tipping back to drink, both burst out into laughter. Which… Well, it was nice that someone got Tobi’s sense of humor, because to be honest that had never been Hashirama. Mito had gotten it, sometimes, but… Mito was gone now.

 

Lee’s laughter died down, “Oh, you know, he really was a crazy guy. Still, he has his own wars, and we have ours…”

 

“Yes,” Tobirama echoed, “It seems we always have our wars…”

 

“Maybe this will be the last,” Hashirama said to fill in the sudden silence, “Who knows? Maybe this time we’ll finally learn that there’s no point in slaughtering each other like this. I have hope, this time, I think, will be the last time.”

 

Tobirama offered him a slow, sad smile, one that doubted, the same smile he’d given him when Hashirama had told him the idea of Konoha, of this village of clans all come together as one where their children could grow up and learn and fight when they were ready and not a moment before.

 

Hashirama hated that smile.

 

“This will be the last war, Hashirama,” Lee said quietly, almost as if she was making a vow rather than a statement, “And if it’s not the last one then I’ll make sure that it is, I promise.”

 

Before either he or Tobi could ask how she intended to do that there was a knock at the door, although really it was more like insistent pounding, very familiar insistent pounding from years ago when Kushina was Mito’s apprentice.

 

Hashirama suddenly felt dread along with a slow burning anger pool inside of his stomach.

 

“So, are either of you going to get that?” Lee asked, and when neither of them stood Lee did so, walked out of the dining room and down the hallway to where she opened the door and Hashirama could hear her voice.

 

“Oh, Kushina, hi, did you need something?”

 

Kushina’s voice was much louder and twelve times more insistent, “Lee, you have to come to my apartment, it’s an emergency!”

 

Hashirama felt that slow burning anger start bubbling at a slightly faster pace.

 

“Emergency, what kind of an emergency? I haven’t even had food yet.”

 

“An emergency emergency! Lee, this is no time for dawdling, the future of Konoha itself is at stake, believe it!”

 

Footsteps as Lee walked back in, poking her head in the room, “So, um, I guess I have to go save Konoha at Kushina and Minato’s place, sorry for the last-minute notice, I was just told myself.”

 

Tobirama glared at the wall, and offered a curt, “I see, am I invited, since this is an emergency?”

 

Lee removed her head, shouted down the hallway to the door, “How catastrophic is this emergency, should Tobirama come?”

 

“No! No, the nidaime should not come! In fact, if he comes, it will get even worse!”

 

Lee poked her head back in, looking thoroughly and adorably confused, “Apparently, if you come it will make things even worse… Which, is a very strange emergency, but I’m not one to waste times with questions about the absurdity of the universe. Do you want to reschedule?”

 

“No, it’s fine, Lee,” Tobirama said before bitterly adding, “Besides, if we were to reschedule, I have the feeling there might be another emergency,”

 

“Hm, yes, I’ve found that the inconsistent fickle being overseeing our universe often has it out for me too. Alright then, I’ll catch you later at lunch or something, and thanks for the invitation, shodaime-sama.”

 

“Oh, it wasn’t a problem, Lee-chan,” Hashirama said tightly before adding, “Don’t worry about it.”

 

And then Lee was gone, running to the front door and slamming the door behind her as she went, no doubt to Minato and Kushina’s apartment where Kushina had come up with some elaborate seduction scenario involving the three of them.

 

And Tobirama simply spared a look for his brother and then downed an entire cup filled with sake in one single swallow.

 

 

The picnic Hashirama put together for the pair of them was ruined by unseasonably bad weather, then unseasonably rowdy genin (who also happened to be Minato’s students, sweet little Kakashi-kun offering his sincere apologies and wishing him the best of luck).

 

The movie was ruined by burglary of all of Lee’s films, which prompted a vengeful Lee to declare war on the thief and hunt them down through the village, only to find all the VHS tapes inside of Kushina and Minato’s apartment where Kushina had been borrowing them for the weekend.

 

The friendly spar, the walk through the village, the dinner at the restaurant, all of them met the same fate and as every time Lee laughed it off and Tobirama tried to laugh with her Hashirama found himself becoming genuinely upset.

 

And he found himself thinking, not of the Tobirama he saw today, but from one years and years ago when the clan wars were still raging who had seemed so tired and lonely…

 

And finally, Hashirama just couldn’t take it anymore, and went directly to the source.

 

* * *

 

They met in the middle of a training field, Hashirama leaning against a tree while he waited, and Kushina walking in with the poise and confidence of a truly lethal kunoichi about to enter battle. Good, she knew what she was getting herself into.

 

“Kushina,” he offered curtly.

 

“Hashirama,” she offered just as curtly back.

 

They eyed each other with narrowed eyes, each of their hands at their sides, poised and ready for the first sign of hostilities to begin forming hand seals or else reach for kunai.

 

“I suspect you understand why I’ve invited you here,” Hashirama said, and did not miss Kushina’s blood thirsty grin.

 

“Oh, believe me, I know.”

 

“Then you also know that it appears neither of us are willing to compromise outside the field of battle,” Hashirama continued, to which he earned a nod.

 

“Of course, Uzumaki never give up and Senju are uncommonly stubborn bastards,” Kushina narrowed her eyes at him, “Of course, you should know that you aren’t going to win this one, gramps.”

 

“You know, they said the same thing about Konoha, and I didn’t give up then,” Hashirama responded, “I see no reason why I should start giving up now.”

 

“So then, we have to do it the hard way,” Kushina said.

 

“It appears so.”

 

For a moment, each of them waited for the other to back down, Hashirama for Kushina to bow her head and admit she’d lost this one, that she already had Minato and didn’t need Lee besides, that perhaps Hashirama’s brother deserved a chance at love and a family of his own. And Kushina, well, she waited for Hashirama to bow his head and give up on that future for his brother, to just give in and say that it would be fine and that it didn’t matter that his brother had never found anyone to share his life with.

 

And both no doubt regretted the fact that it had come this far, but that didn’t mean either was willing to back down.

 

And so, neither was truly surprised when, at the same exact time, they threw themselves at each other, him unleashing the might of the mokuton, and her the dreaded Uzumaki chakra chains.

 

* * *

 

Naruto watched as Hashirama trailed off, sipping at his own cup of tea and saying mildly, “This is really good tea, a gift from Lee, you know, from last _Christams_ since Tobi insisted she not give us anymore sentient friends.”

 

“Well, who won?” Naruto demanded.

 

“Uh, well, it wasn’t really that sort of a fight… I guess I’d say we both lost,” the shodaime said with a look of embarrassment.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Well, for one thing, when we started forming craters in the field and new trees started cropping up everywhere they sent my brother and Lee to break up the fight. So, Kushina and I didn’t really get far enough to do any real damage. But that said, I don’t think either of us felt like we accomplished anything.”

 

Seeing Naruto’s look of confusion, the shodaime continued, “See, we were both so angry and afraid I suppose that neither of us were really thinking. Kushina was worried about your dad and I was worried about my brother, and we didn’t stop to realize that maybe Lee, Tobi, and Minato should be the ones to figure this all out. Instead we just ruined a training field and embarrassed everyone around us.”

 

“Oh,” Naruto said, and then putting two and two together he said, “So, you’re saying I shouldn’t fight with my sister because…”

 

“Because it’s her life and her feelings, and no matter how you feel about them you can’t change them, even if you think you know better.”

 

Naruto nodded slowly, and then asked, “You think the nidaime is talking about the same thing with Hari?”

 

The shodaime laughed, “Uh, no, probably not… He probably just told her that he deals with his brother being an idiot all the time and you have to learn to ignore it.”

 

Naruto nodded, picturing this very easily, and then the shodaime’s words caught up with him, “Hey!”

**Author's Note:**

> Written after reviewers were a little too enthusiastic at the idea of Minato/Lee/Kushina and I decided to a rom com. Then it just didn't die. Marked as incomplete because, well, it is but don't expect any more chapters either.
> 
> Thanks for reading, comments, kudos, and bookmarks are greatly appreciated.


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